Just because I am not as eloquent as I wish to be, I'll make a non-exhaustive list, not in any particular order. I have much to write about, because it's almost-all-of-my-22-years-of-existence much, which is no way easily condensed into coherence.

So, this is one, number (1). Just because I am Master Chef infused this week. Oh yes, I want to cook brilliantly, like... Okay. I don't know how to define "brilliant" in this sense. Yet. But I will. One day, one day.

So, where are we. Ah, number (1).

(1) I want to make a Croquembouche.

hmmm. *droooools!*

but I have yet to own an oven to cook even simple dishes! portable ovens? I don't even have space to fit it in my tiny tiny tiny kitchen. nnnngggghhhhh. I can't wait to live in a house with a huge kitchen. Preferable a commercial kitchen. Seriously. I mean it!

Currently, at 0000hr, I am craving for a crunchy profiterole from a delicious croquembouche. uh huh. I am converted into a sweet tooth, all thanks to my bunny!

I am itching to say I love you and to pour my heart out of love poured into me. I love all of you. I love you, you and you!

I really miss you my bunny. I hope I can cuddle you to sleep every night and I will eventually when we're engaged. I will.

Correspondence

S: 21st Birthday Speech

James and I knew of each other back in high school, but we were never really friends. It was not until last spring when we started to pick things up from where we left off.

It all began when I stumbled upon James’ Facebook profile picture one fine day, the one in which he was crossing the finishing line of the Melbourne marathon. It was a flattering image. Instead of a picture of a person, face slightly contorted with gasping effort, it was an image of James completing a marathon with a slight frown. He made running 42km for 5 hours look effortless, and that was impressive.

I proceeded to comment on my amazement on the fact that he had completed a full marathon. James was probably flattered, because thereof he initiated an avalanche of text messages and eventually asked me out on a coffee date.

It turns out that James was not even a fan of coffee; but what became of a coffee date turns out to be a wonderful lunch date. We spent an entire afternoon eating lunch on the lawn, basking under the glorious sunshine, enjoying spring colours in resplendence and each other’s company. There was a lot of talk to make up lost time; and we laughed coyly awful lot. It was sweet in its simplicity and that was how we began (what you could almost say) a spring romance.

Over the months, I have gotten to know a lot more about James.

One thing that really stood out for me when I first get to know him is that he is a very thorough person; and what I mean by thorough is that he often does extensive and painstakingly detailed research into a matter before making a decision.

1. Before asking me out on our first coffee date, James asked me a few rather interesting questions, probably to make sure that I am of an appropriate date material, and those questions are: Are you fit? Do you like cooking? Do you watch Master Chef?

2. On the first day he visited my place, James took a tour around my apartment, and then he started going through my fridge and kitchen cabinets. James was impressed that there was no junk food in my pantry, but my bare fridge that stores only mung beans made him conclude that I do try to eat healthily, and...I was probably living on a poverty line.

3. His research did not just stop in real life. It extends to the cyber world. I remembered when he told me that he found out the social networking site I was anonymously micro-blogging at, and he joked that he did a check on me before making a move, I swear I thought he was like Bart Bass from Gossip Girl, and I was somehow convinced that he googled me.

But the point is, James being incredibly thorough and careful with almost every single decision he makes, and before each step he takes, he makes good decisions with things in life and I feel very much at ease and secure in allowing him to take the lead. For one, he is often puzzled that I never do look left and right whenever I am crossing the road with him.

James has an ability to make me go-around smiling to myself silly, or making me stare at him for hours on edge, my heart swelling with adoration.

I remember the countless of times when James would visit me bearing gifts; the times when he surprises me with goodies sitting on my kitchen counter upon my return home. I remember this one time when I got home after an exam to find a packet of Tim Tams sitting in my fridge with a sweet note attached it.

James has always been observant and helpful. He volunteers to do tasks necessary to fix things up and make my place a better fit for human habitation.
1. I remember how I would go home to realise my broken cabinet door fixed, and my broken light-bulbs changed.
2. I remember how he would oil my squeaking door, tightening screws here and there, or repair whatever that needed to be repaired without me even asking him to.
3. He would place importance in getting things for me. He shopped for a laser printer for me, well before my exams so I could study better. He knew how I was struggling with a broken fridge and so he shopped for a fridge for me, bargained and transported it, carried it all the way into my house with the help of a friend (thanks again Justin); and carried my broken fridge all the way down my apartment.

I remember this one time when James was kneeling in my bathroom, scrubbing mould off my bathroom tiles. He even bleached my sink and scrubbed my toilet bowl. Key word: voluntarily. It was a sight to behold. My heart melted with adoration and I remembered thinking to myself that I am dating the finest guy ever.

All these occasions found me floaty and dreamy. James knows full well of my love language. Most of the time I’d much rather have a hug or his undivided attention, yet the surprises still come, and each time they do, they just hit the spot, and makes me feel very much loved.

That said, James is equally as helpful at home and he is someone who makes an effort to generously give and offer whatever he can to his family members and friends – whether it is cooking up a storm, or making gingerbread houses as Christmas gifts for friends and family, offering a piece of advice or even being there for another.

It is not just the gift or the act of services itself. It is the fact that he made an effort to remember what you need, what you like, what you want; the fact that he offers his act of service without the need to ask; the fact that he took the time and the effort to lend a helping hand.

It is often said that the way to a man’s heart is his stomach, but with James’ cooking skills and baking talents, James found his way to my heart, partly through my stomach. He is an excellent cook. He makes amazingly delicious food and awesome desserts. His ability to cook up a storm for family members, relatives and friends leaves me in awe.

That said he also makes me laugh a lot with his quirks, boyish charm and cheekiness. He makes me very happy, and he makes me feel very blessed and lucky to have him in my life.

We are two people on a journey, seeking for a perfect ending; and sometimes, there are bends in the road, but I am grateful to have him as my partner, my best friend and my support. He pushes me hard, in questioning why I believe the things I do, in the things that I was lacking insight, in the things I should place more importance or that I had rashly overlooked in life, in taking steps to achieve the dreams I dream. I equal parts hate him and love him when I was in the midst of giving up that he pushed me even harder, but eventually come to realise that I love him more for that.

“Tough love”, he always says. He challenges me, makes me uncomfortable at times, pushes me beyond my boundaries and pushes me to become a better version of myself, and if it weren’t for you, James, I would not have made what was seemingly impossible, possible.

You cook meals for me and help me out in the kitchen when things get out of control. You send emails to me almost every morning when you get to work, just to say hi. You take me out on day-trips. You drive me home all the time, all the way from Templestowe to the city and then back home – 40 minutes journey all up. You make it a point to take time out from your busy schedule to spend time with me because you know how much I value spending quality time with you. Your quirks and the things you do and say to me every day, still make my heart skip a beat.

You are the best thing that happened in my life and I am so ever thankful and grateful to have you holding my hand and journeying with me through the highs and lows, ups and downs. Thank you for being such a wonderful person. And what I have said in my speech of you, are just the tip of the iceberg of what an amazing person you are.

And as cliché and as cheesy as this may sound, there are no words that can describe how much you mean to me and how much I love you. Happy 21st birthday, James.

10/4/2010

//

J: Beautiful Bouquet of Roses and a Note

Dear Shin,

Thank you so much for all the hard work and effort you put in last night. You made the best speech I could ever asked for and impressed my family. I love you so much for putting up with me when I'm not at my best. You are the most important thing in my life. No matter what, as long as I have you in my life, I am happy and always will be.

Love you forever bunny.

James 11/4/2010

What are you going to do?
The question is what do you want. I know what I want very clearly. I love you with all my heart but I can never get you to deal with my past. I despise my past, but I don't need to show you that I do. I do not need to punish myself everyday of my life for my past mistakes, nor it'll be good for me to love someone so much and to have him emotionally abuse me with untrue assumptions and constantly berates me of my past mistakes and let me know that I am worthless and that he is revoltingly disgusted of me. It has always been your call: to move forward or to call it quits. The question is what are you going to do.

I am sorry I can't give you the best of both worlds. I am sorry I can't be perfect and a clean slate and a person who fits perfectly your list of criteria of an ideal girlfriend. All I can do is to give you my whole heart to love you and to love you completely for who you are, and to cherish and treasure you, and be grateful to have you in my life; but it seems what I am giving will never outweigh my past.

I don't know what I can do because I can't give you what you want. If I make you feel sick and disgusted of me and that you hate me so much, then what can I do? The question is what are you going to do? To move forward with me or to find that perfect person who can give u the best of both worlds?

Do you even love me? Do you ever love me? Or was it that you are happy with me, and that happiness clouded your judgement? Do you know you are hurting me a lot?

The way you push me away, the way you reject me, and the way you look at me with such disgust; you make me feel as if you are revoltingly disgusted with the person I was and the person that I am. I am sorry I cannot be perfect for you. I am sorry that I am flawed, incredibly. I am sorry I cannot come before you a clean slate. I am sorry I made mistakes, in the past, before I met you.

But I cannot be sorry for moving forward, and moving forward does not mean I am proud of the mistakes I made.

I cannot be perfect because I am flawed, because I made mistakes, because of the things I did years ago in which I could not foresee will affect you years later. I cannot apologise for my past relationships or the things I have done in my past relationships. But if I had a choice and I could foresee that you are really The One, I would not have done things I have done in my past.

I am not perfect and I can never ever be. You'll have to take it or leave it. I am who I am. I have become who I am because of my past that I can never change ever again.

Do you even love me?

Dear J,
It dawned upon me that I love you so much I want to announce it to the world. I love you and I am so ever thankful and grateful to have you in my life.
Love, Bunny ♥

Insecurities

Today, I looked into the mirror and I cringed. I frowned. Why in the world do I have such incredibly huge, bao-like face? There is this simmering concoction of negative emotions in me all morning. I wonder when it is going to boil over, dehydrate me of all moisture, reducing me into a disgusting gunk of unidentifiable substance.

Insecurities, dissatisfaction and disappointments have taken the better of me today, on the first of April 2010, the first day of a brand new month. It was not that March 2010 is a particularly frenzy one, nor it was a particularly dull one. I feel slightly stagnant in terms of my progression; that I am moving at snail slow pace, and it is not at all to my liking in terms of where I want to be right now *cringing at the fact that I am already twenty-two* There is so much to do, there is so much that I have not done to be moving forward to the next stage in life. There is a sort of unspoken, unspeakable shame and disappointment in terms of my lack of accomplishment, deep in the nooks of my heart that I could never confide in anyone else. Is it for fear of others triumph over me before I achieve? Or for fear of another knowing my insecurities and flaws, exposing myself to a vulnerable position of inferiority to be ridiculed and attacked? Perhaps, but it’s more on my part in terms of my desperate desire to achieve — to be that gorgeous girl with protruding collarbones and tone limbs, and a much smaller face to match; healthy, fit, intelligent, independent, wise, successful, skilful, creative, and charming with my own unique and sophisticated artistic flair (this is a non-exhaustive list, just to name a few); someone who is comfortable in her own skin, someone who is confident and is proud to be herself. Suffice to say, I am miles away from that lady, and I am almost certain that when I read this entry one fine day, I’ll cringe or perhaps chuckle at the fact that I could be so immature in terms of desiring to be that lady — the jack of all trade, the gorgeous lady who can juggle all her balls effortlessly. Maybe I should save myself from embarrassment from publishing the details of what I wish to do and who I wish to be. Let’s just say I want to be a wonder woman, to be a combination of a successful career woman *a lawyer/entrepreneur/writer*, a gorgeous Victoria Secret Model *this is alarming* and a domestic goddess *yes, Martha-Steward-ish*.

Now, is that possible? I like to believe there is a fine line between being ambitious and insanity. Nothing is impossible. Fortunately, I am still slightly hopeful?

That said, it’s time to stop building castles in the air. Time to hit the books. Time to hit the gym (even harder!) Definitely time to stay grounded, firmly. Yes, very firmly.