Evaluations...
So, there’s a reason I am writing this today, on the 31st of December, rather than to leave it to tomorrow or probably a couple of days into the New Year. I have always meant to have this ritual of reflecting on the past year that had gone by. But if memory does not fail me, I remembered not wanting to write any sort of such this time last year. As to resolutions, they were just a few mental notes on what I needed to work on. Fingers crossed I won’t be leaving this simmering in my draft-box for too long.The year of 09 has been...Actually, I’ll take that back, it seems almost impossible to reduce the complexities of this year down into a short, snappy sentence. So, here I am, trying my best to produce a well-rounded summation of 09 — an in a nutshell of all that had occurred, bringing forth lessons and revelations that have hit home this year. Let’s see how many words this post will come up to, ey? And hopefully, I am creative, expressive, coherent and eloquent enough in my personal own voice to jot all this down in black and white.
I am finding myself at a rather interesting juncture, feeling perhaps a little melancholy. This time last year, I was still an ignorant naive person, someone that I have known to be a stranger of myself. It was one heck of a messed up year in 08 that I was so reluctant to reflect upon it, but I was eager to embark towards 09 with a different set of directions – daring, fearless and of course, naive.
The start of 09 was perhaps a cleaning-up of the mess of 08. A chapter of my life has closed behind – a relationship of the life span of about 4 years had ended, not too amicably, not too abruptly, but sort of neatly. Well, how much drama can there be when your ex bf was in a different country as you? But at that point of life, I felt as though I was relieved of a huge burden and being an indecisive person that I was, I was happy that I have put a long contemplated decision into action. It was one of the best decisions I’ve made, one that sets us both free.
So, the detachment led to a cascade of events that I had never thought would have occurred. It was more of mum’s reactions towards my break up and she was giving me one hell of a horrible time in KL that I was dying to leave the country. Most of the year, I was on a journey searching for my true identity, my true self, my directions, and many a times, I was figuratively slapped in the face with life’s lessons, always something for me to take on board, dwell on and reflect upon them during late nights alone.
I was eager to rush towards the prized independence of adulthood. I single-handedly organised my 21st birthday bash – right from...
(1) stressfully searching high and low for the perfect venue in the city,
(2) sending out facebook invites of 836 words long
(3) finding that perfect 21st birthday dress on Bridge Road and finally set my eyes on an altered red bridesmaid’s dress that screamed for attention after a loooong day of shopping (rather than opting the $500 strapless, bubble-hem dress that looks strikingly similar to Serena van der Woodsen’s – the dress that Jenny Humphrey designed in which Serena accidentally paraded during Eleanor’s fashion show in Gossip Girl. It was way over my budget :( and that was the last time I’d seen and tried on that gorgeous dress. *sobs*),
(4) booking a make-up appointment at shu uemera (when I’ve found the wonders of that feathers fake-eyelashes)
(4) to dearly hoping for a good turn out on that night itself by bombarding my friends’ facebook newsfeed.
Venturing into adulthood with a vague sense of identity, I have made many mistakes – some of which are unspeakable skeletons in the closet. But how are lessons learnt without the fall and the attempt to pick yourself up? Many acquaintances were made, but many of which I have cemented before the end of the year, and I am proud of that. But of course, there were some highs to the year, those of which when I’ve come to my old age I’ll laugh about and think “Oh, the burgeoning goodness!” of when I had the resources, when I had once and once again taken aback by surprises (both actions of myself and others), when I was carefree and daring minus the safety net.
After the hype of my 21st birthday celebrations, the reality of responsibilities and independence of being an adult started to sink in, and then my downfall began. For one, loneliness takes form in a way I had never imagined. I was never this lonely, but I certainly wasn’t thinking of my ex bf. I needed either someone I can depend upon, or people who could provide me some sort of attention to trick myself into the illusion that I have people around me who I can depend upon. Horror struck. It was mighty effort to detach myself from the distractions of parties to make me feel temporarily less lonely and more worthy. To make matters worse, I was then bombarded with betrayals by all sorts of acquaintances. I have come to become this extremely cynical stranger, who is distrusting and who have come to defy many of the principles and perspective I had once held. In the process of trying to be emotionally independent, and I was determined not to turn to useless acquaintances, I force myself to dwell into the heavy university workload and developed an increasing affection for carbs. Surely enough, I was slowly but steadily gaining weight, also due to the effect of my growing appetite and the rebound effect of diet pills that I’ve stopped taking.
Then, I’ve come to accept that...
“When the orbits of these two satellites of ours happened to cross paths, we could be together. Maybe even open our hearts to each other. But that was only for the briefest moment. In the next instant we'd be in absolute solitude. Until we burned up and became nothing." Haruki Murakami.
I was happy for the acquaintances. Despite all the horrible things they have done to me. After all, if it weren’t for how they’ve figuratively slapped me in the face with pointers in life to think about and the hurt of betrayals, I wouldn’t have as aggressively reflect upon my past and my current situation, and then assess my approach in life. It was tough and difficult, but it was good. It was a steep learning curve and the gradient of the hill that I was tracking ever upwards has often a times threaten to throw me completely off-balance. And when I thought the steepness was horrible, it was the bumpiness of the journey that had pushed me further towards the other end of the spectrum of cynicism.
The winter holidays brought on shudders upon shudders from horrific events and harsh realities that really started to sink in, but I continued to hike with a renewed sense of perspective and reorganisation of my directions in life. I was so tired of the endless steep and bumpiness, that I was so aggressive in rushing to the top I had almost forgotten that it was more important to dwell in the experience of journeying rather than to just arrive at the destination.
Things took a slight turn when I had to live alone for the rest of the semester. I was happy about it, but subconsciously stressed out with the need to take care of every single aspect of my life — juggling with 2 Law, 2 English Literature and 1 Creative Writing university subjects; a part-time job; keeping my apartment tidy and clean and the weekly laundry done; a whole heap more weight to lose; nutrition and diet; social life of parties and cosmetic products and cocktail dresses; and of course, finance. As always, a start-over was essential. I threw out perhaps one third of my apartment’s contents, wipe down and vacuumed the dirt and dust (which took me a while), and then set off with a set of priorities.
When I thought things took a turn for the better, life had managed to fool me and painfully taught me another lesson. It was my personal mantra at that point of time that — Life is a series of troughs and peaks. For every trough, an eventual peak must take place. I'm taking myself to the deepest trough, in preparation for the eventual higher peak. You know, they say "if you want the rainbow, you'll have to put up with the rain".
Epiphanies serve to put in place some of the missing jigsaw puzzles of the bigger picture in life and it was pure bliss when I was rewarded. Still, I was in the process of aiming for perfection, in the process of setting higher standards in every aspect of my life, and striving to meet them all. I go forth with a slightly perfected set of priorities and made up a list of tasks that seem almost impossible to complete – definitely not within a short period of time, but I was so anxious in completing them all as soon as possible that I was stressing myself way too much. And to the more difficult part, I find it even harder to maintain the standards that I had achieved, mainly due to the fact that I’d somehow achieved some of them in a slightly ‘by hook or by crook’ manner and thus resulted in some repercussions.
It wasn’t easy starting from scratch, starting all over, mostly on my own. Google was my companion to provide me some sort of guidance as to how to live alone as a single girl. Amidst the negatives, I was zooming towards independence. I mean, come on! I am living alone in my own apartment, with about $200 extra cash to spend every week from my part time job, and I control my life’s regime and my own nutrition and fitness. It was finally all happening to me – I was doing the detox diet, the lemon detox and joining the oh-so-awesome Virgin Active Health Club. But of course, as I was at one of the greatest moments of that period of my life, there were a few bumps here and there. I try keep the house clean; the laundry done, folded, ironed; the sheets washed at least once every two weeks; hit the gym at least 3 times a week; eat a healthy diet despite having a non-functioning fridge; looking my best everyday; being conservative with my spending etc (just to name a few). The constant process to improve and challenge myself to stretch a little further, to be head and shoulders above the rest, exhausted me — always having to stay on edge, keeping up with everything, maintaining and worrying. I slumped into an unrecognisable slacker who indulge in too much carbs and sits around doing nothing in a dusty apartment, all these time stressing about looming exams with no actions. A few down-sliding eventually led to the lower of my self-esteem and more down-sliding to follow. It was tough. Transitions are always tough.
Yet, I’ve slowly learnt to live independently without emotional support from a certain special someone, eager and desperate to develop some healthy friendships, invest time and effort in my BFFs who were facing some personal problems at the same time, and hoping to meet new quality friends. At the same time, I’ve began to learn to enjoy my own company more. I’ve began to dwell in my passion to become better, faster and stronger. I listen to audio books, feed on meaningful music lyrics and savour books’ quotes. Hey, I’m getting better with this independence business! There were many divine romantic dinners I had dined with myself — of salmon sashimi and red juicy strawberries dipped in melted dark chocolate. Of glasses of Brown Brother’s Moscato. Of breakfast dates I had brought myself to – of good coffees and slightly toasted foccaccia. Of eating brunch alone on the lawn on a sunny day. Of market trips on sunny weekends, grocery shopping for fresh fruits while munching on chocolate baguettes and occasionally buying myself roses, adorning my bare apartment with a touch of pink and red. Spring days are my favourite, when I air the entire apartment by opening the balcony sliding door and the window in my room, allowing the sunshine cutting through the venetian blinds, and my laptop playing music by Olivia Ong, Ingrid Michaelson, Erin McCarley, Jack Johnson, Rachel Yamagata, Marie Digby or Melody Gordot. Once awhile, I’ll drown my apartment with Dan Gibson, or Yiruma’s Dream a Little Dream of Me playing in loops when I’m studying. Soothing. My new found love – Madeleine Peyroux’s La Javanaise.
2009...
In all my attempts to venture into the year, careless, daring and carefree, I’ve come to surprise myself with the dramas and the turns of events that had taught me many life’s lessons; and of course, of those crazy things I have done, be it sober, tipsy or drunk;
In all my attempts to reflect upon my downfall and reassess my directions and pushing myself beyond my boundaries to be a much better person’
And then in all my attempts to seek a balance and to come to the centre of the spectrum, now with much more insight, clarity and wisdom;
It’s been one heck of a year.
It’s through the detachment and pain that I’ve learnt and discovered facets of myself I never knew were there, parts of me that lay dormant were awakened by transitions and the rude shock of a world turned upside down, and I’ve learnt what it means to feel and to see the world with a different set of eyes. Without a high there cannot be a low, without a peak there cannot be a trough, without knowing pain we wouldn’t recognise happiness.
That being said, I look back on every lonely tearful nights, every seeming tragedy I’ve endured without regret. Like a refining of silver through the fire, like a freshman going through an initiation rite, it was all necessary. It was necessary for us to have tried and failed, even if it means countless of times. It was necessary for the apron strings to have been cut, for me to become a self-grounded, independent individual; to be thrown into the unknown and figure my way out into letting things fall into place; to finally feel that the person who was looking at me is seeing me — the person beyond that superficial facade, the person who is much more than the naked eye could see, because I am not just another number in a sea of nameless faces.
Pain was conveyed in stories, told over cups of coffee, typed up in conversation boxes oin cyber space and in pockets of silence. Even more powerfully, they were expressed without words in an outpour of tears, the posture of hunching and the choking lumps of emotion in the throat. But through the year, I learnt to dust myself up and build my own mantra of life – standards I’d like to achieve, standards I’d like to maintain and goals I’ll like to keep chasing up to. Despite my low self-esteem, I feel more secure in myself now, of who I am and who I want to be and what I’m about. The transitions throughout the year had painfully taught me the importance of self-identity and loving yourself more, and everything else will fall in line. The most important of all, learn to forgive yourself and to let go because not everything is within your control.
For too long, I was preoccupied with a fruitless search of things that are out of my control or things that are not what I truly desire from the bottom of my heart. It had me distracted and disorientated. But when I had lost some of that, discerning where best to invest myself into, and knowing both when and how to bow out gracefully, I was rewarded with God’s grace.
At the end, there were budding signs of young beginnings. As much as I had been through this year, gritting my teeth through the pain, humble myself when I had seemed to lose it all and learnt so much more from nothing, this special someone and I had found our way to each other. Preoccupied, I had failed to see the other side of the world, a different way of living and how it feels to feel much more secure ¬— in yourself and everything else in life. I was realigned, tied down to a specific point on the map as we embark on a different, more promising journey hand-in-hand. He is more than the cherry on top of the icing of the cake. He is someone who guides me by letting me know that perhaps I already have all the necessary ingredients, and it’s time to work my way down the recipe to produce the most uniquely delicious delicacy in the whole wide world, and he’s always there to guide me as to how to whisk, stir, whip at the right pressure and bake at the right temperature. Once a while, throw in a little something that I was lacking. He’s always giving in his nature. And best of all, he makes me feel as though I am the luckiest girl in the entire universe to have find him and have him journeying with me ♥ ♥ ♥
It’s the last day of the year and I am feeling slightly melancholy because I feel as though I am not quite done with 2009. I have a lot more flaws to be perfected, there’s a lot more work to be done, a lot more to think about and perhaps a lot more pain to endure. I feel I am not quite done here – there are loose ends to tie up. 2009 has not been great and had left me battled and scared. Yes, I am stronger, but I am so much less carefree, so much less daring and I am perhaps leaving this year with a lot more fearful of what lays ahead.
But a new year endows upon the idea of renewal and I have always found the notions of wiping the slate clean and starting over again refreshing, exciting, motivating and attractive. After all, there are already budding signs of new beginnings. A new chapter of my life is awaiting and dawning upon me and I am venturing forth much wiser than ever before. As fearful and insecure that I am, I just have to affirm how much I’m going to be staging a rebellion against stagnancy. It is mandatory that every year brings something new, something better, something challenging, and much more. If there is anything, I have but only one worry – that 2010 doesn’t live up to the excitement and richness of 2009. In spite it all, I’d rather life be a landscape of rolling hills, of soaring mountains dipping into the shadows of cool valleys; than barren land — plain, flat and dry. It encourages me that if so much can happen in just one year, if the unexpected awaits behind every corner, if my world can be turned around and reduced into nothingness in a blink of an eye – what more can next year bring? How much promise can 2010 hold?
And so I will approach 2010 much more prepared this time with resolutions and ground rules, and I guess I’ll list them in a different post before I bore you more with words.
So, here’s to the coming year of 2010! I’m dearly hoping that the New Year is going to love me and envelope me with more affinity and plenty of affection. There will be dreams, self-sustenance, confidence, growth, discoveries and leaps of faith.
Happy New Year Everyone! A toast to a more fulfilling and prosperous New Year!
P/s: 3363 words!
