Insecurities

Today, I looked into the mirror and I cringed. I frowned. Why in the world do I have such incredibly huge, bao-like face? There is this simmering concoction of negative emotions in me all morning. I wonder when it is going to boil over, dehydrate me of all moisture, reducing me into a disgusting gunk of unidentifiable substance.

Insecurities, dissatisfaction and disappointments have taken the better of me today, on the first of April 2010, the first day of a brand new month. It was not that March 2010 is a particularly frenzy one, nor it was a particularly dull one. I feel slightly stagnant in terms of my progression; that I am moving at snail slow pace, and it is not at all to my liking in terms of where I want to be right now *cringing at the fact that I am already twenty-two* There is so much to do, there is so much that I have not done to be moving forward to the next stage in life. There is a sort of unspoken, unspeakable shame and disappointment in terms of my lack of accomplishment, deep in the nooks of my heart that I could never confide in anyone else. Is it for fear of others triumph over me before I achieve? Or for fear of another knowing my insecurities and flaws, exposing myself to a vulnerable position of inferiority to be ridiculed and attacked? Perhaps, but it’s more on my part in terms of my desperate desire to achieve — to be that gorgeous girl with protruding collarbones and tone limbs, and a much smaller face to match; healthy, fit, intelligent, independent, wise, successful, skilful, creative, and charming with my own unique and sophisticated artistic flair (this is a non-exhaustive list, just to name a few); someone who is comfortable in her own skin, someone who is confident and is proud to be herself. Suffice to say, I am miles away from that lady, and I am almost certain that when I read this entry one fine day, I’ll cringe or perhaps chuckle at the fact that I could be so immature in terms of desiring to be that lady — the jack of all trade, the gorgeous lady who can juggle all her balls effortlessly. Maybe I should save myself from embarrassment from publishing the details of what I wish to do and who I wish to be. Let’s just say I want to be a wonder woman, to be a combination of a successful career woman *a lawyer/entrepreneur/writer*, a gorgeous Victoria Secret Model *this is alarming* and a domestic goddess *yes, Martha-Steward-ish*.

Now, is that possible? I like to believe there is a fine line between being ambitious and insanity. Nothing is impossible. Fortunately, I am still slightly hopeful?

That said, it’s time to stop building castles in the air. Time to hit the books. Time to hit the gym (even harder!) Definitely time to stay grounded, firmly. Yes, very firmly.