Give Gifts

Scripture: 2 Corinthians 9:6-15

Generosity Encouraged

⁶ Remember this: Whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows generously will also reap generously. ⁷ Each of you should give what you have decided in your heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver. ⁸ And God is able to bless you abundantly, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work. ⁹ As it is written:

“They have freely scattered their gifts to the poor;
their righteousness endures forever.”

¹⁰ Now he who supplies seed to the sower and bread for food will also supply and increase your store of seed and will enlarge the harvest of your righteousness. ¹¹ You will be enriched in every way so that you can be generous on every occasion, and through us your generosity will result in thanksgiving to God.

¹² This service that you perform is not only supplying the needs of the Lord’s people but is also overflowing in many expressions of thanks to God. ¹³ Because of the service by which you have proved yourselves, others will praise God for the obedience that accompanies your confession of the gospel of Christ, and for your generosity in sharing with them and with everyone else. ¹⁴ And in their prayers for you their hearts will go out to you, because of the surpassing grace God has given you. ¹⁵ Thanks be to God for his indescribable gift!

Observation

The farmer, who sows more seeds, gets a greater harvest. Someone who gives to God is like the farmer. The more one gives, the more God will reward the giver. God is generous and we should be generous as well. God loves people who give with great happiness in their minds. God blesses a cheerful giver. We should not give out of compulsion but we should give willingly and earnestly so we will be blessed abundantly in return. God will give us all we need. As a result, we can be generous to other people and they will be thankful to God. This is a promise of spiritual fruitfulness. Our generosity will lead to their respect for God.

We thank God for his gift of Jesus Christ. We need to be able to complete our act of Grace when we decide to give. Our gifts should be ideas born simply out of concerns for those in need, for we see the sacrifice in Christ first. Jesus sacrificed his wealth for our sake and so we might be brought out of spiritual poverty.

Application

When I give, I want to be able to give, more and above, beyond the extent of what I perceived my means to be. I want to be a cheerful giver, to give with a smile, to give earnestly, so people will experience the love, delight, joy, happiness and blessings that I received from God. I hope people around me, family and friends, are able to see that my generosity comes from the overflowing love and blessings that God has poured into my life.

I want to be able to give my words of encouragement, my thanks etc freely to people around me, people who have blessed me in many ways. I want to be able to be continually sensitive towards other people’s needs, to be understanding, to not be scares with my words, my expression of care and concern. I want to be able to have an enhanced ability to express my apprehension of their struggles and that I truly care for them. I want to be able to give so freely, to be able to urge people around me to open up their hearts to God, to explore the depths of their hearts, to invite them to journey with a fervent passion and to have a wonderful relationship with you, oh Lord God.

I want to be able to give willingly and earnestly in every way that I can. I believe God will bless me abundantly with spiritual fruitfulness, for “A spiritual life grows as love finds its centre beyond ourselves. Faithful and committed relationships offer a door into the mystery of spiritual life in which we discover this; the more we give of self, the richer we become in soul; the more we go beyond ourselves in love, the more we become our true selves and our spiritual beauty is more fully revealed.” The more we give of ourselves, the richer we become in soul.

I want to be less self-centred, to be able to put others’ needs before mine, to be able to reach out to those in need, to be able to be a leading example, to influence people’s lives by setting an example of my strong faith and my firm, amazing walk with God.

I want to give thanks to all the people around me – family, friends, acquaintances, lovers and enemies. I want to thank those who have given me so much, especially for those who I have ungratefully taken for granted, for their graciousness and their steadfastness in me, for the joy, happiness and blessings hat they have offered me. I want to thank my parents, for J and his parents for this 1 year and 6 months, for their overwhelming generosity, for their love, care, concern, hope and faith. I want to thank J and his parents who have taken care of me and look over me so much for I am away from the care, protection and guidance of my parents. I thank them for their strictness and their assertion of discipline in us.

I thank God for those who have wronged me, for through all these, I will strengthen rather than harden my heart. I want to continue to give and give more fervently. I will forgive and forget for all those who wronged me, rather I am thanking them for the challenges that I am facing in life, for the daily struggles and the crisis that had brought me once again closer to God.

I want to thank God for J2 for his steadfastness, for never giving up on me, for attempting to contact me again and again, to salvage me, and bring me close to you. I thank God for J2 and for his prayers, his encouragement, his generosity and all that he is.

Most of all, I want to thank God, for your steadfastness in me, for your mercy and grace, for your blessings and all that you have given me. I want to offer my most fervent thanks to you, oh Lord. I thank you God for the precious hearts of the people around me. May you bless them abundantly, may you knock on their doors, urge them to open up their hearts to you, urge them to beseech you and to journey with you.

Prayer

Dear God,

It’s good to be able to speak to you again, to be able to open up to you, though not completely, I am still opening up. God, I am sorry for trailing off course, for being ignorant through these years, for shutting you out of my doorstep, shutting my heart cold from you, shutting you out of my life and not be firm with my walk with you. I am sorry for my sins, for the horrible wrongdoings that only you know of, for everything that I have done which have so disappoint you. Here, I offer my fervent thanks of your grace and your mercy.

God, I thank you for everything in my life, thank you for the life that you have breathe into me, thank you for all the blessings, for the good and the bad, the warning bells of depression, the slaps in the face, the heart’s dull ache that eventually becomes the constant screaming of the heart. God, I thank you for all the challenges, the obstacles in my life, the hardship and the strength that you have so abundantly given me to overcome things in life. I thank you for all of these, calling me back to you, my Creator.

I thank you for all the people in my life who well and truly care for me and love me. I thank you for all the wonderful individuals in my life and their precious hearts, for blessing me, for helping, pushing and challenging me, for encouraging, inspiring and leading me.

Most of all, I thank God for the precious heart that you have given me. I am sorry to have forsaken my true heart’s desires and my spiritual thirst and hunger. I pray that I will forever hold on to you for dear life, to always beseech you for love, strength, guidance and comfort above all, and to have such great thirst and hunger to know you. I pray that I crave for you, for your words to satisfy my spiritual hunger every day of my life. I pray that you will push me so hard that I will lay my life down for you, that I will open up my heart and give it to you in its entirety. I pray that I will have an increasing acquaintance with Jesus, establishing and constantly working on having a strong bond with you, oh Lord. I pray that I am always filled with thanksgiving and praise, because God is a good God and he is Faithful. I pray that God will continue to direct my step, and continue your mighty work in me and through me, and continue to grow exponentially under your provision.

God, I thank you for all the people in my life. I pray to God that you hear my cries for renewed love and revival of faith, a fresh start, a clean slate and a wonderful, loving, amazing support network that strengthens my walk with God. I thank God for all that have offered me acts of kindness, even down to an anonymous stranger I happened to meet eyes with on public transport or the elevator, and their smiles that brightens my day, ever so slightly. God, may you bless them abundantly for their generosity, their act of kindness and compassion.

Lord God, I thank you for J, for his amazing Heart of Gold, for this 1 year and 6 months, for all his effort, for all his love, care and commitment, for his generosity. I thank you God for his dear precious heart. I thank you God for J’s parents, for all that they are, for all the love, care, guidance and protection they have offered me, for being my parents when I am away from home. I thank God for aunty and the meals that she prepared, for her nurturance, care and concern. I thank God for uncle for his wisdom, his kindness and his guidance. I thank God for all of their overwhelming, overflowing generosity.

Lord God, I pray that you guide you each step of the way as we journey through life. I thank God so much for J2 that has carried me to your arms in faith, for his steadfastness in me, for his determination in me to beseech you, to seek you. I pray that God will give us all our daily bread, gives us strength. May you lay your healing hands on J and his family, my family and friends, for emotionally brokenness and physically illness. May you watch over them every step of their way, guiding them and continue your mighty work in them and through them. May you bless our households with abundance and fill it with overflowing love. May you constantly knock on the doors of those who shut you out until we beseech you to have a wonderful relationship and to journey through life with fervent passion. May you fill our lives with love, faith and hope. May we give generously, earnestly for we are blessed so abundantly by the amazing God. May we give out of joyful willingness. May we never lose sight of God, the empire of Love. May we pass the test of sincerity and be cheerful in giving.

Oh Lord God, may you save those who are so drown in the evils of life for they have been so ignorant of their hearts, may you save them from the lies, maliciousness and destructive rage and anger. I pray that we repent, ask for your mercy and grace, and beseech you for renewed Love, revival of Faith, for peace, strength and steadfastness in journeying with you oh Lord God.

I ask all these in Jesus name, Amen.

“I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naive or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman.”
- Anais Nin

A year ago, I was at a very different place. A year ago, I was certain about certain things. Not anymore. One thing I am certain of, there will be many, many challenges ahead of me. I’ll have to walk the path that I choose. Today, I am on a cross road. Left or right?

In my heart, I have perhaps made a decision. But I am too afraid to leap. What if...?

A Beautiful Mess

You've got the best of both worlds

You're the kind of girl who can take down a man,
And lift him back up again
You are strong but you're needy,
Humble but you're greedy
Based on your body language, your shoddy cursive I've been reading
You're style is quite selective though your mind is rather reckless
Well I guess it just suggests that this is just what happiness is

Hey, what a beautiful mess this is
Its like picking up trash in dresses

Well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you write
Kind of turn themselves into knives
And don't mind my nerve you can call it fiction
But I like being submerged in your contradictions dear
Cause here we are, here we are

Although you are biased I love your advice
Your comebacks they're quick and probably have to do with your insecurities
There's no shame in being crazy, depending on how you take these
Words that paraphrasing this relationship were staging

And its a beautiful mess, yes it is
Its like, we are picking up trash in dresses

Well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you say
Kind of turn themselves into blades
And the kind and courteous is a life I've heard
But its nice to say that we played in the dirt
Cause here, here we are, Here we are

Here we are x7

We're still here

And what a beautiful mess this is
It's like taking a guess when the only answer is yes

And through timeless words and priceless pictures
Well fly like birds not of this earth
And tides they turn and hearts disfigure
But thats no concern when were wounded together
And we tore our dresses and stained our shirts
But its nice today, oh the wait was so worth it .

I really shouldn't be typing up a blog post. Instead, I should be memorising Equity case law for my upcoming exam. Not to mention, preparing my ill-prepared Banking Law exam and my Modern English Literature exam. Mum's visit provide more excitement rather than extra time for myself to study. I am going to fail. :(

To keep up with blogging is indeed a pretty difficult job for me and there must be something rather interesting that I would like to jot down in black and white through my journey in life. I stumbled upon a piece by Marie Claire in regards to your six months horoscope for the rest of 2010! Interesting. I am Pisces and I must say the reading is pretty accurate. Let's just hope the rest will follow as predicted!

CAREER, MONEY, SUCCESS
The Piscean journey is filled with tornadoes. You plan, work hard, attend to the details, and poof! - there you are swept up by unforeseen circumstances. This sense of "destiny's hand" has been even more pronounced lately as Mars, planet of conflict, swooshed through your House of Work, stirring up a whirlwind. You've been sucked into other people's agendas and encountered dizzying changes in your career. But you've also become more independent, been true to a long-term commitment, and ended a toxic relationship (whether in work or personal life). All signs point to a grand project that a year ago may have felt risk-laden. Now it's the most natural direction to take.

A business friendship and a group you've already been introduced to are your access to a public role in which you'll deliver an unusual message - perhaps a way of selling a product or service, or the shaping of an old idea into something new. You're an original; your unorthodox viewpoint is the key to success. Also, you have a practical way of caring about others - bringing useful advice to an audience - and your star quality will translate into financial reward!

LOVE AND SEX
Whether you've begun, ended or changed a romantic alliance, been through a crisis of the heart or made a profound decision, you're in a cycle of metamorphosis. Having come through a "death" process (and lived to tell the tale), you're going through a new dawn. You've shed the role of enabler, which was a pattern of refusing to see what you didn't want to see.

During the next six months, Jupiter, planet of wisdom and joy, is lighting up Pisces. This is a crash course in finding your power and enjoying life. You'll tumble headlong into an uninhibited, free-spirited relationship in which you express your eroticism. But this is not just sex without strings.

As you become more impetuous, up-front and far less cautious, you'll discover you have a life-changing impact on your lover. Together you'll make a daring love commitment. As an extra bonus, you'll take old anger you may be carrying with you and channel it into an ambition that you as a couple can achieve. You'll travel and make investments that not long ago seemed unthinkable. On a deeper level, you, who have always yearned for completion, will find that missing part to you.

The underline statements are what is said to be pretty true in terms of 'Career, Money and Success'. I think I have been busy around other people's agendas that I have somehow pushed back my own priorities. I have learnt to become slightly more demanding when it comes to my own needs now and expect a little more of people around me, but it still makes me feel slightly unease to be demanding something of another person. I guess what is important is that they are willing to do what you asked.

True enough, I am in a long term committed relationship and sometimes it still feels slightly surreal that about less than half a year ago, I was on another planet, doing a whole set of different things and being with such different people in my life. That said, I really hope my star quality will translate into financial reward. Please help me to get a vacation position in one of the top law firms (even middle-tier will do) in Melbourne this year! Please! Or else, let me graduate as planned and land myself in a graduate position as soon as possible! Wishful thinking? Hope not!

In terms of love and sex, I really do hope what is underlined are really true. I want to be more impetuous and less cautious after what I have been through, which urged me to be so cautious it's just...annoying.

In terms of "You'll travel and make investments that not long ago seemed unthinkable. On a deeper level, you, who have always yearned for completion, will find that missing part to you.", enough said. Dearly and desperately wish that it's true. Fingers crossed! :)

On revamping my daily timetable...

As much as I want to be the queen of perfectionist, having a slight obsessive compulsive disorder of having to keep up to all errands and tasks at hand, I have instead become the queen of procrastination and am lacking much discipline. I am falling behind schedule and it is quite disappointing, really.

It's time to reassess my daily timetable and squeeze in as much as possible in a day to complete as many tasks as possible. The weather change is not helping. I am still day dreaming of sunny spring days and its warmth. Last week's weather was cruel. It was cold and bitter. But with the last few days, Melbourne had managed to surprise me with its beautiful sunshine and comfortable warmth.

As of the start of autumn, my gym had revamped the group exercise timetable and I am not a fan of the new timetable at all. Yucks yucks! They have removed a few of my favourite Body Attack classes, most of which are suitable to my time arrangement. I had sought to resolve the problem by attending gym classes in the wee hours in the morning i.e. start working out at 6.30am in the morning, and that means bouncing, sweating and jumping during sunrise while many people are sound asleep in their warm beds. The thought of the cold in the morning had certainly deterred me from going to the gym early in the morning, and that said, bed time will be 10pm to wake up at 6.00am - 8 hours sleep they say. Indeed, I have failed terribly with that attempt. Come to think of it, I used to wake up at about 6.30am every morning in high school to make it to school before 8.30am. It takes me about 40 minutes to get to school by train and a short walk up the hill and in the cold during winter, and I did that all through my 2 years of senior school education! Certainly, it can be done.

Back to the heart of the matter, I have yet to revamp my timetable. Currently with exercising, I'll be dropped off at the gym after seeing J most week nights and go back to old school running on the treadmill. The upside is I'll be watching Master Chef while exercising. One may think that it is a television program of food porn (or so I heard on the radio this evening). Naturally one would raise an eyebrow: watching Master Chef where the contestants were baking deliciously rich and moist Black Forest Cakes with chocolate ganache and oozing chocolate hazelnut praline mousse while running on the treadmill? Even J commented on the fact the girl who was running next to me (watching Master Chef too but switched channels soon after), might get herself a generous helping of dinner after the work out.

Fortunately, that does not apply to me. I don't have an urge to help myself with chocolates, desserts or a generous helping of dinner after my 10km run. I guess this is also due to the fact that I have been overindulging the past few days *cringe* *sobs*. I am glad to say that Master Chef is a TV show that I draw immense inspiration from to pursue my food dreams. And yes, I do have a food dream like the many contestants on the TV show. In terms of skills, techniques, knowledge etcetera, let's just say I have a looooonnnnnggggg way to go.

That said, J is going to the countryside for half a day with his boss tomorrow. The down side is I won't be seeing my darling :( but the upside is I'll be hitting the gym early and get myself into group exercises classes! :) Please keep your fingers crossed for me that the weather (which was forecast to be windy and rainy) will not deter me from going to the gym!

It'll be Ki-Max, Rpm followed by Body Balance. I hope I'll be completely knackered by the end of the gym session and hit the sack early!

On budgeting...

Let's think of ways to go on a date with minimal amount of spending. I think J and I have been doing that for the past 6 months, and I have requested for it even during times when he had wanted to lavish and pamper me with niceties. I should learn to re-quote him more on "what's yours is mine". *Smiles* I know, he's such a sweetie!

This Saturday, we are thinking of picnicking after his soccer match because it's going to be sunny. That said, 18 degrees might be too cold for me. Either way, I know I will have a swelling good time with my darling :]

On something off-topic

I notice it'll seem a little dry without any visuals to assist one's reading. It's too late in the night for me to search high and low for a suitable and beautiful picture to go with this post. It's way past my bed time. So I am sharing this: a photo of J and I during his graduation in polaroid form :]

♥ ♥ ♥

P/s: not liking the fat face *cringe*

I really should be studying Evidence law at the moment and intensely concentrating on the exclusionary provisions of rules upon rules, but blog reading never fail to capture my attention, suck me into a whirlpool of endless reading because it transports me to a magical world of fantasy and imagination.

Though what was black and white on the screen could just be a report of an ordinary, mundane event of a day and one's perception thereafter.

There is magic in the author's articulation and expression and the following paragraphs are what I have failed to articulate to myself countless of times and she could be so eloquent in her words to express what I have exactly felt. To remind myself of these paragraphs, I shall share them on my blog ♥

"I’m an intelligent woman. I know that exercising regularly and eating well is what I need to do. But no matter how much I exercise, or how well I eat, I need to look deeper, because what I weigh on the scales right now is really a reflection of how I feel about myself and my sub conscious beliefs.

It seems when good things start to happen in my life, I sub consciously push the self destruct button, and I am powerless to stop it. No matter what I tell myself, I can’t stop engaging in self destructive behaviours. I hit brick walls within myself, and no matter how hard I try to consciously push through them, I find myself procrastinating, drinking too much and eating crap. Then I resolve to start another health kick, and the whole crazy cycle starts again.

So, the question is, how do I unlock the parts of me that are holding me back from having what I want in life? How do I unstack those bricks, one by one? Because I want to move towards a different life. A life where I can not only fit into my jeans, but a life of wealth. A life of happiness. A life of greater ease. Because I deserve it.

It’s not that I’m not happy, because I am. I have many wonderful things in my life, but, I am reaching for something more. I am trying to reprogram myself, but when I change the channel, all I get is the test pattern or re-runs of Mash. I’m looking for a book deal, my own apartment, but the TV guide says at 7:00pm I’m in for struggle, followed by not being able to pay my bills at 8:00pm.

It’s obvious that I need to have a heart-to-heart with my sub conscious. I need to sit it down and say listen here, you’ve been telling me my whole life that I’m not worthy, but I’m onto you. I’m sick of you holding me back and selling me short. You’re nothing but a big fat liar and you should be worried, really worried, when I tell you that your days are numbered, because I’m bringing in reinforcements.

I’ve spent enough time listening to what you’ve got to say, and quite frankly I’ve had enough. I’ve spent hours in counselling with you, trying to be reasonable and understanding, listening to you list all the reasons I do the things I do, why I attract certain people in my life and yada, yada, yada.

Now, with the help of a hypnotherapist, I’m going to be calling the shots from now on. So pack your bags and clear out. I’m going to have the life I want. The life I deserve. And I’m going to look god damn fabulous in my skinny jeans whilst I’m at. Because I can."

Just because I am not as eloquent as I wish to be, I'll make a non-exhaustive list, not in any particular order. I have much to write about, because it's almost-all-of-my-22-years-of-existence much, which is no way easily condensed into coherence.

So, this is one, number (1). Just because I am Master Chef infused this week. Oh yes, I want to cook brilliantly, like... Okay. I don't know how to define "brilliant" in this sense. Yet. But I will. One day, one day.

So, where are we. Ah, number (1).

(1) I want to make a Croquembouche.

hmmm. *droooools!*

but I have yet to own an oven to cook even simple dishes! portable ovens? I don't even have space to fit it in my tiny tiny tiny kitchen. nnnngggghhhhh. I can't wait to live in a house with a huge kitchen. Preferable a commercial kitchen. Seriously. I mean it!

Currently, at 0000hr, I am craving for a crunchy profiterole from a delicious croquembouche. uh huh. I am converted into a sweet tooth, all thanks to my bunny!

I am itching to say I love you and to pour my heart out of love poured into me. I love all of you. I love you, you and you!

I really miss you my bunny. I hope I can cuddle you to sleep every night and I will eventually when we're engaged. I will.

Correspondence

S: 21st Birthday Speech

James and I knew of each other back in high school, but we were never really friends. It was not until last spring when we started to pick things up from where we left off.

It all began when I stumbled upon James’ Facebook profile picture one fine day, the one in which he was crossing the finishing line of the Melbourne marathon. It was a flattering image. Instead of a picture of a person, face slightly contorted with gasping effort, it was an image of James completing a marathon with a slight frown. He made running 42km for 5 hours look effortless, and that was impressive.

I proceeded to comment on my amazement on the fact that he had completed a full marathon. James was probably flattered, because thereof he initiated an avalanche of text messages and eventually asked me out on a coffee date.

It turns out that James was not even a fan of coffee; but what became of a coffee date turns out to be a wonderful lunch date. We spent an entire afternoon eating lunch on the lawn, basking under the glorious sunshine, enjoying spring colours in resplendence and each other’s company. There was a lot of talk to make up lost time; and we laughed coyly awful lot. It was sweet in its simplicity and that was how we began (what you could almost say) a spring romance.

Over the months, I have gotten to know a lot more about James.

One thing that really stood out for me when I first get to know him is that he is a very thorough person; and what I mean by thorough is that he often does extensive and painstakingly detailed research into a matter before making a decision.

1. Before asking me out on our first coffee date, James asked me a few rather interesting questions, probably to make sure that I am of an appropriate date material, and those questions are: Are you fit? Do you like cooking? Do you watch Master Chef?

2. On the first day he visited my place, James took a tour around my apartment, and then he started going through my fridge and kitchen cabinets. James was impressed that there was no junk food in my pantry, but my bare fridge that stores only mung beans made him conclude that I do try to eat healthily, and...I was probably living on a poverty line.

3. His research did not just stop in real life. It extends to the cyber world. I remembered when he told me that he found out the social networking site I was anonymously micro-blogging at, and he joked that he did a check on me before making a move, I swear I thought he was like Bart Bass from Gossip Girl, and I was somehow convinced that he googled me.

But the point is, James being incredibly thorough and careful with almost every single decision he makes, and before each step he takes, he makes good decisions with things in life and I feel very much at ease and secure in allowing him to take the lead. For one, he is often puzzled that I never do look left and right whenever I am crossing the road with him.

James has an ability to make me go-around smiling to myself silly, or making me stare at him for hours on edge, my heart swelling with adoration.

I remember the countless of times when James would visit me bearing gifts; the times when he surprises me with goodies sitting on my kitchen counter upon my return home. I remember this one time when I got home after an exam to find a packet of Tim Tams sitting in my fridge with a sweet note attached it.

James has always been observant and helpful. He volunteers to do tasks necessary to fix things up and make my place a better fit for human habitation.
1. I remember how I would go home to realise my broken cabinet door fixed, and my broken light-bulbs changed.
2. I remember how he would oil my squeaking door, tightening screws here and there, or repair whatever that needed to be repaired without me even asking him to.
3. He would place importance in getting things for me. He shopped for a laser printer for me, well before my exams so I could study better. He knew how I was struggling with a broken fridge and so he shopped for a fridge for me, bargained and transported it, carried it all the way into my house with the help of a friend (thanks again Justin); and carried my broken fridge all the way down my apartment.

I remember this one time when James was kneeling in my bathroom, scrubbing mould off my bathroom tiles. He even bleached my sink and scrubbed my toilet bowl. Key word: voluntarily. It was a sight to behold. My heart melted with adoration and I remembered thinking to myself that I am dating the finest guy ever.

All these occasions found me floaty and dreamy. James knows full well of my love language. Most of the time I’d much rather have a hug or his undivided attention, yet the surprises still come, and each time they do, they just hit the spot, and makes me feel very much loved.

That said, James is equally as helpful at home and he is someone who makes an effort to generously give and offer whatever he can to his family members and friends – whether it is cooking up a storm, or making gingerbread houses as Christmas gifts for friends and family, offering a piece of advice or even being there for another.

It is not just the gift or the act of services itself. It is the fact that he made an effort to remember what you need, what you like, what you want; the fact that he offers his act of service without the need to ask; the fact that he took the time and the effort to lend a helping hand.

It is often said that the way to a man’s heart is his stomach, but with James’ cooking skills and baking talents, James found his way to my heart, partly through my stomach. He is an excellent cook. He makes amazingly delicious food and awesome desserts. His ability to cook up a storm for family members, relatives and friends leaves me in awe.

That said he also makes me laugh a lot with his quirks, boyish charm and cheekiness. He makes me very happy, and he makes me feel very blessed and lucky to have him in my life.

We are two people on a journey, seeking for a perfect ending; and sometimes, there are bends in the road, but I am grateful to have him as my partner, my best friend and my support. He pushes me hard, in questioning why I believe the things I do, in the things that I was lacking insight, in the things I should place more importance or that I had rashly overlooked in life, in taking steps to achieve the dreams I dream. I equal parts hate him and love him when I was in the midst of giving up that he pushed me even harder, but eventually come to realise that I love him more for that.

“Tough love”, he always says. He challenges me, makes me uncomfortable at times, pushes me beyond my boundaries and pushes me to become a better version of myself, and if it weren’t for you, James, I would not have made what was seemingly impossible, possible.

You cook meals for me and help me out in the kitchen when things get out of control. You send emails to me almost every morning when you get to work, just to say hi. You take me out on day-trips. You drive me home all the time, all the way from Templestowe to the city and then back home – 40 minutes journey all up. You make it a point to take time out from your busy schedule to spend time with me because you know how much I value spending quality time with you. Your quirks and the things you do and say to me every day, still make my heart skip a beat.

You are the best thing that happened in my life and I am so ever thankful and grateful to have you holding my hand and journeying with me through the highs and lows, ups and downs. Thank you for being such a wonderful person. And what I have said in my speech of you, are just the tip of the iceberg of what an amazing person you are.

And as cliché and as cheesy as this may sound, there are no words that can describe how much you mean to me and how much I love you. Happy 21st birthday, James.

10/4/2010

//

J: Beautiful Bouquet of Roses and a Note

Dear Shin,

Thank you so much for all the hard work and effort you put in last night. You made the best speech I could ever asked for and impressed my family. I love you so much for putting up with me when I'm not at my best. You are the most important thing in my life. No matter what, as long as I have you in my life, I am happy and always will be.

Love you forever bunny.

James 11/4/2010

What are you going to do?
The question is what do you want. I know what I want very clearly. I love you with all my heart but I can never get you to deal with my past. I despise my past, but I don't need to show you that I do. I do not need to punish myself everyday of my life for my past mistakes, nor it'll be good for me to love someone so much and to have him emotionally abuse me with untrue assumptions and constantly berates me of my past mistakes and let me know that I am worthless and that he is revoltingly disgusted of me. It has always been your call: to move forward or to call it quits. The question is what are you going to do.

I am sorry I can't give you the best of both worlds. I am sorry I can't be perfect and a clean slate and a person who fits perfectly your list of criteria of an ideal girlfriend. All I can do is to give you my whole heart to love you and to love you completely for who you are, and to cherish and treasure you, and be grateful to have you in my life; but it seems what I am giving will never outweigh my past.

I don't know what I can do because I can't give you what you want. If I make you feel sick and disgusted of me and that you hate me so much, then what can I do? The question is what are you going to do? To move forward with me or to find that perfect person who can give u the best of both worlds?

Do you even love me? Do you ever love me? Or was it that you are happy with me, and that happiness clouded your judgement? Do you know you are hurting me a lot?

The way you push me away, the way you reject me, and the way you look at me with such disgust; you make me feel as if you are revoltingly disgusted with the person I was and the person that I am. I am sorry I cannot be perfect for you. I am sorry that I am flawed, incredibly. I am sorry I cannot come before you a clean slate. I am sorry I made mistakes, in the past, before I met you.

But I cannot be sorry for moving forward, and moving forward does not mean I am proud of the mistakes I made.

I cannot be perfect because I am flawed, because I made mistakes, because of the things I did years ago in which I could not foresee will affect you years later. I cannot apologise for my past relationships or the things I have done in my past relationships. But if I had a choice and I could foresee that you are really The One, I would not have done things I have done in my past.

I am not perfect and I can never ever be. You'll have to take it or leave it. I am who I am. I have become who I am because of my past that I can never change ever again.

Do you even love me?

Dear J,
It dawned upon me that I love you so much I want to announce it to the world. I love you and I am so ever thankful and grateful to have you in my life.
Love, Bunny ♥

Insecurities

Today, I looked into the mirror and I cringed. I frowned. Why in the world do I have such incredibly huge, bao-like face? There is this simmering concoction of negative emotions in me all morning. I wonder when it is going to boil over, dehydrate me of all moisture, reducing me into a disgusting gunk of unidentifiable substance.

Insecurities, dissatisfaction and disappointments have taken the better of me today, on the first of April 2010, the first day of a brand new month. It was not that March 2010 is a particularly frenzy one, nor it was a particularly dull one. I feel slightly stagnant in terms of my progression; that I am moving at snail slow pace, and it is not at all to my liking in terms of where I want to be right now *cringing at the fact that I am already twenty-two* There is so much to do, there is so much that I have not done to be moving forward to the next stage in life. There is a sort of unspoken, unspeakable shame and disappointment in terms of my lack of accomplishment, deep in the nooks of my heart that I could never confide in anyone else. Is it for fear of others triumph over me before I achieve? Or for fear of another knowing my insecurities and flaws, exposing myself to a vulnerable position of inferiority to be ridiculed and attacked? Perhaps, but it’s more on my part in terms of my desperate desire to achieve — to be that gorgeous girl with protruding collarbones and tone limbs, and a much smaller face to match; healthy, fit, intelligent, independent, wise, successful, skilful, creative, and charming with my own unique and sophisticated artistic flair (this is a non-exhaustive list, just to name a few); someone who is comfortable in her own skin, someone who is confident and is proud to be herself. Suffice to say, I am miles away from that lady, and I am almost certain that when I read this entry one fine day, I’ll cringe or perhaps chuckle at the fact that I could be so immature in terms of desiring to be that lady — the jack of all trade, the gorgeous lady who can juggle all her balls effortlessly. Maybe I should save myself from embarrassment from publishing the details of what I wish to do and who I wish to be. Let’s just say I want to be a wonder woman, to be a combination of a successful career woman *a lawyer/entrepreneur/writer*, a gorgeous Victoria Secret Model *this is alarming* and a domestic goddess *yes, Martha-Steward-ish*.

Now, is that possible? I like to believe there is a fine line between being ambitious and insanity. Nothing is impossible. Fortunately, I am still slightly hopeful?

That said, it’s time to stop building castles in the air. Time to hit the books. Time to hit the gym (even harder!) Definitely time to stay grounded, firmly. Yes, very firmly.

Read the Tea Leaves, Read the Tarot Cards…

I stumbled upon Tarot Chat on Plurk this afternoon – a free tarot card reading session via a chat lobby, after a lovely lunch with J at Grilled, and I thought “well, it’s no harm trying it out!”

My question was: I am just wondering whether I am at the right place in my life with my recently made decisions (in terms of relationships and friendships) and whether I am going in the right direction in my life.

I was pretty darn nervous when it comes to my turn, considering the rest of the participants in the chat log had commented on how good the tarot card reader is. After I popped in my question in the chat log, and she had commented it as a great question *grins*, she replied: “*Ponders* Interesting cards”.

I promptly stopped the music playing in the background, and turn on all ears, fiddling my fingers, heart racing, nervous but eager at the same time to know what she is going to tell me from her tarot card readings.

Then she proceeds:

“I'm pretty sure The Devil in this case is a sense of having felt manipulated and controlled in the past. *big hugs* what I feel here is a sense of abuse, perhaps a boyfriend or father figure. For a long time that influence had you dancing to his tune, and feeling dominated by his arrogance and the choices he made for your life.

You weren't in charge of your own destiny, you were managed by this influence and it was his wishes you obeyed and his opinions that mattered and your life was his to commend.

The energy is very domineering and uncomfortable, like you had to shrink the light inside you to avoid the pain he could bring upon it. The hurt and harm he caused.”

In terms of ex-boyfriend, that is amazingly true. I guess I was stuck in a rut for a while, juggling between what I really want (which at that point of time, I guess I really do not know) and what is expected of me and whether I was making the right decisions. When you can’t be a leader or perhaps you are still learning to be one, then perhaps, be a follower at the meantime?

Abuse in a sense, probably it was emotional abuse? When I was younger and very much more indecisive, I was indeed dancing to his tune, and being a little of a male chauvinist and arrogant person that he is, he was indeed influencing a lot of my life decisions and the pressures he was imposing on me made me think, perhaps I should do what I am supposed to do (i.e. what he wants me to do).

But I guess, there is just so much one can handle with the dominance and I was getting more and more annoyed in my inability to be in-charge of my own life and the pressures he would then impose of me when I decide to do things my own way. The second paragraph was so REALLY true. Ok. It’s just TRUE! Straight on!

I felt as though he was stopping me from shining, from being me, from being who I want to be, therefore the demise of our relationship. The uncomfortable and domineering energy was relief of me when I decide to broke it off, both for his and my own good.

Proceeding on to the next card:

“The Ace of Swords in the present shows that you're just starting to learn to talk about that. To bring it out into the open and perhaps it's upsetting your friends or family to know. As if, they'd seen your light and had no idea that this was going on in that relationship. They’re surprised.

But it's very good that you're giving voice to what was going on then. And doing so, it is shaping a beautiful future.

I get the impression there is already a new partner in your life, or on the horizon of your life.

The Ace of swords is helping you in this new relationship because your new partner senses the timidity that's below the surface. You hold back when he wants you to give, you're still protecting yourself.

And the cards here say you don't need to.”

Nods nods nods! And coming to terms with the past, no matter how awful is that, is going to do some good.

And to the “I get the impression there is already a new partner in your life, or on the horizon of your life.” Oh my goodness. She’s amazing! That will be about my J. :)

In terms of my fear and my holding back, I guess that is something for me to dwell upon and really figure out my own fear, even though I do not really realize it. In a way, I am afraid of doing making mistakes, doing the wrong things etc, juggling between own desires and social expectations, but I don’t really know about that timidity below the surface, and I don’t know whether I am still protecting myself from getting hurt or being domineered over.

But anyways, let’s move on:

“This Ten of Cups is a beautiful union (*dancing around happily =D*). He's a wonderful, loving, giving man. And using the Ace of Swords as you are you can open yourself up with him. Let go of the past influences of your former relationship.

Be free with your new partner, he loves you but he NEEDS you to be present with him, to at least be open with how you're feeling in the moment.

He's strong and I think he'll stick it out but there is a sense of uncertainty in him that stems from him feeling like he needs “kit gloves”, is that the right term? He needs to be careful how he handles you, you're like an injured bird and he's afraid you'll disappear if he moves to fast around you or says the wrong thing or touches you in the wrong way.

So he needs your assurances.”

Amen to that he’s a wonderful, loving, giving man. *Grins* I am one lucky girl. He is perhaps the most giving person I have ever met. He’s indeed wonderful and I am so lucky to have him.

In terms of a sense of uncertainty, I guess he is very careful with how he handles me, perhaps still testing the waters and desperate to have me being me and hopeful that he has chosen ‘the one’, the right one, for himself.

And so she said:

“He's NOT judging you! You don't have to fit into his mold, he just wants you to be the real you with him. I suspect it's you, judging your past, and it feels like him because your past experience was a judgmental man.”

And to conclude this reading with an amazing, wonderful statement:

“Don't let the ex-boyfriend shadow this new man for you. They’re nothing alike!”

*GRINS* :) While looking forward to next week's tarot chat, there is a lot to think about!

Note to Self:

I'll have to master the lesson that life is unfair. While the rest of the world does not need to lift a finger to achieve the goals I wish to achieve. I, on the other hand, will have to work my ass off to obtain it. And this serves as the perfect reason that I should not slack off in my progression in achieving my goals.

I think that when times are tough, and when you are feeling lonely and depressed, you dont need to jump into bed with guys to make yourself feel better.

Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.
--Khalil Gibran

People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered; forgive them anyway. If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish ulterior motives; be kind anyway. If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies; succeed anyway. If you are honest and frank, people may cheat; be honest and frank anyway. What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight; build anyway. If you find serenity and happiness, people may be jealous; be happy anyway. The good you do today, people often forget tomorrow; do good anyway. Give the world the best you’ve got, and it may never be enough; give your best anyway. In the end, it was between you and God, it was never between you and them anyway.

--Kent M. Keith

01 January 2010 - 1.1.10

A brand new year. A clean slate. A set of new year resolutions to be written and exams to be prepared!

I was enveloped with love on the night of New Year's Eve in welcoming 2010. Best NYE celebrations ever with friends and family, even though the weather was a let down and we were just watching fireworks on television.

Counting down with my darling J over the phone was sweet. The phone conversations with him at the wee hours of the morning were enough to make me feel very much...

L.O.V.E.D ♥

Happy New Year!

Evaluations...

So, there’s a reason I am writing this today, on the 31st of December, rather than to leave it to tomorrow or probably a couple of days into the New Year. I have always meant to have this ritual of reflecting on the past year that had gone by. But if memory does not fail me, I remembered not wanting to write any sort of such this time last year. As to resolutions, they were just a few mental notes on what I needed to work on. Fingers crossed I won’t be leaving this simmering in my draft-box for too long.

The year of 09 has been...Actually, I’ll take that back, it seems almost impossible to reduce the complexities of this year down into a short, snappy sentence. So, here I am, trying my best to produce a well-rounded summation of 09 — an in a nutshell of all that had occurred, bringing forth lessons and revelations that have hit home this year. Let’s see how many words this post will come up to, ey? And hopefully, I am creative, expressive, coherent and eloquent enough in my personal own voice to jot all this down in black and white.

I am finding myself at a rather interesting juncture, feeling perhaps a little melancholy. This time last year, I was still an ignorant naive person, someone that I have known to be a stranger of myself. It was one heck of a messed up year in 08 that I was so reluctant to reflect upon it, but I was eager to embark towards 09 with a different set of directions – daring, fearless and of course, naive.

The start of 09 was perhaps a cleaning-up of the mess of 08. A chapter of my life has closed behind – a relationship of the life span of about 4 years had ended, not too amicably, not too abruptly, but sort of neatly. Well, how much drama can there be when your ex bf was in a different country as you? But at that point of life, I felt as though I was relieved of a huge burden and being an indecisive person that I was, I was happy that I have put a long contemplated decision into action. It was one of the best decisions I’ve made, one that sets us both free.

So, the detachment led to a cascade of events that I had never thought would have occurred. It was more of mum’s reactions towards my break up and she was giving me one hell of a horrible time in KL that I was dying to leave the country. Most of the year, I was on a journey searching for my true identity, my true self, my directions, and many a times, I was figuratively slapped in the face with life’s lessons, always something for me to take on board, dwell on and reflect upon them during late nights alone.

I was eager to rush towards the prized independence of adulthood. I single-handedly organised my 21st birthday bash – right from...
(1) stressfully searching high and low for the perfect venue in the city,
(2) sending out facebook invites of 836 words long
(3) finding that perfect 21st birthday dress on Bridge Road and finally set my eyes on an altered red bridesmaid’s dress that screamed for attention after a loooong day of shopping (rather than opting the $500 strapless, bubble-hem dress that looks strikingly similar to Serena van der Woodsen’s – the dress that Jenny Humphrey designed in which Serena accidentally paraded during Eleanor’s fashion show in Gossip Girl. It was way over my budget :( and that was the last time I’d seen and tried on that gorgeous dress. *sobs*),
(4) booking a make-up appointment at shu uemera (when I’ve found the wonders of that feathers fake-eyelashes)
(4) to dearly hoping for a good turn out on that night itself by bombarding my friends’ facebook newsfeed.

Venturing into adulthood with a vague sense of identity, I have made many mistakes – some of which are unspeakable skeletons in the closet. But how are lessons learnt without the fall and the attempt to pick yourself up? Many acquaintances were made, but many of which I have cemented before the end of the year, and I am proud of that. But of course, there were some highs to the year, those of which when I’ve come to my old age I’ll laugh about and think “Oh, the burgeoning goodness!” of when I had the resources, when I had once and once again taken aback by surprises (both actions of myself and others), when I was carefree and daring minus the safety net.

After the hype of my 21st birthday celebrations, the reality of responsibilities and independence of being an adult started to sink in, and then my downfall began. For one, loneliness takes form in a way I had never imagined. I was never this lonely, but I certainly wasn’t thinking of my ex bf. I needed either someone I can depend upon, or people who could provide me some sort of attention to trick myself into the illusion that I have people around me who I can depend upon. Horror struck. It was mighty effort to detach myself from the distractions of parties to make me feel temporarily less lonely and more worthy. To make matters worse, I was then bombarded with betrayals by all sorts of acquaintances. I have come to become this extremely cynical stranger, who is distrusting and who have come to defy many of the principles and perspective I had once held. In the process of trying to be emotionally independent, and I was determined not to turn to useless acquaintances, I force myself to dwell into the heavy university workload and developed an increasing affection for carbs. Surely enough, I was slowly but steadily gaining weight, also due to the effect of my growing appetite and the rebound effect of diet pills that I’ve stopped taking.

Then, I’ve come to accept that...
“When the orbits of these two satellites of ours happened to cross paths, we could be together. Maybe even open our hearts to each other. But that was only for the briefest moment. In the next instant we'd be in absolute solitude. Until we burned up and became nothing." Haruki Murakami.

I was happy for the acquaintances. Despite all the horrible things they have done to me. After all, if it weren’t for how they’ve figuratively slapped me in the face with pointers in life to think about and the hurt of betrayals, I wouldn’t have as aggressively reflect upon my past and my current situation, and then assess my approach in life. It was tough and difficult, but it was good. It was a steep learning curve and the gradient of the hill that I was tracking ever upwards has often a times threaten to throw me completely off-balance. And when I thought the steepness was horrible, it was the bumpiness of the journey that had pushed me further towards the other end of the spectrum of cynicism.

The winter holidays brought on shudders upon shudders from horrific events and harsh realities that really started to sink in, but I continued to hike with a renewed sense of perspective and reorganisation of my directions in life. I was so tired of the endless steep and bumpiness, that I was so aggressive in rushing to the top I had almost forgotten that it was more important to dwell in the experience of journeying rather than to just arrive at the destination.

Things took a slight turn when I had to live alone for the rest of the semester. I was happy about it, but subconsciously stressed out with the need to take care of every single aspect of my life — juggling with 2 Law, 2 English Literature and 1 Creative Writing university subjects; a part-time job; keeping my apartment tidy and clean and the weekly laundry done; a whole heap more weight to lose; nutrition and diet; social life of parties and cosmetic products and cocktail dresses; and of course, finance. As always, a start-over was essential. I threw out perhaps one third of my apartment’s contents, wipe down and vacuumed the dirt and dust (which took me a while), and then set off with a set of priorities.

When I thought things took a turn for the better, life had managed to fool me and painfully taught me another lesson. It was my personal mantra at that point of time that — Life is a series of troughs and peaks. For every trough, an eventual peak must take place. I'm taking myself to the deepest trough, in preparation for the eventual higher peak. You know, they say "if you want the rainbow, you'll have to put up with the rain".

Epiphanies serve to put in place some of the missing jigsaw puzzles of the bigger picture in life and it was pure bliss when I was rewarded. Still, I was in the process of aiming for perfection, in the process of setting higher standards in every aspect of my life, and striving to meet them all. I go forth with a slightly perfected set of priorities and made up a list of tasks that seem almost impossible to complete – definitely not within a short period of time, but I was so anxious in completing them all as soon as possible that I was stressing myself way too much. And to the more difficult part, I find it even harder to maintain the standards that I had achieved, mainly due to the fact that I’d somehow achieved some of them in a slightly ‘by hook or by crook’ manner and thus resulted in some repercussions.

It wasn’t easy starting from scratch, starting all over, mostly on my own. Google was my companion to provide me some sort of guidance as to how to live alone as a single girl. Amidst the negatives, I was zooming towards independence. I mean, come on! I am living alone in my own apartment, with about $200 extra cash to spend every week from my part time job, and I control my life’s regime and my own nutrition and fitness. It was finally all happening to me – I was doing the detox diet, the lemon detox and joining the oh-so-awesome Virgin Active Health Club. But of course, as I was at one of the greatest moments of that period of my life, there were a few bumps here and there. I try keep the house clean; the laundry done, folded, ironed; the sheets washed at least once every two weeks; hit the gym at least 3 times a week; eat a healthy diet despite having a non-functioning fridge; looking my best everyday; being conservative with my spending etc (just to name a few). The constant process to improve and challenge myself to stretch a little further, to be head and shoulders above the rest, exhausted me — always having to stay on edge, keeping up with everything, maintaining and worrying. I slumped into an unrecognisable slacker who indulge in too much carbs and sits around doing nothing in a dusty apartment, all these time stressing about looming exams with no actions. A few down-sliding eventually led to the lower of my self-esteem and more down-sliding to follow. It was tough. Transitions are always tough.

Yet, I’ve slowly learnt to live independently without emotional support from a certain special someone, eager and desperate to develop some healthy friendships, invest time and effort in my BFFs who were facing some personal problems at the same time, and hoping to meet new quality friends. At the same time, I’ve began to learn to enjoy my own company more. I’ve began to dwell in my passion to become better, faster and stronger. I listen to audio books, feed on meaningful music lyrics and savour books’ quotes. Hey, I’m getting better with this independence business! There were many divine romantic dinners I had dined with myself — of salmon sashimi and red juicy strawberries dipped in melted dark chocolate. Of glasses of Brown Brother’s Moscato. Of breakfast dates I had brought myself to – of good coffees and slightly toasted foccaccia. Of eating brunch alone on the lawn on a sunny day. Of market trips on sunny weekends, grocery shopping for fresh fruits while munching on chocolate baguettes and occasionally buying myself roses, adorning my bare apartment with a touch of pink and red. Spring days are my favourite, when I air the entire apartment by opening the balcony sliding door and the window in my room, allowing the sunshine cutting through the venetian blinds, and my laptop playing music by Olivia Ong, Ingrid Michaelson, Erin McCarley, Jack Johnson, Rachel Yamagata, Marie Digby or Melody Gordot. Once awhile, I’ll drown my apartment with Dan Gibson, or Yiruma’s Dream a Little Dream of Me playing in loops when I’m studying. Soothing. My new found love – Madeleine Peyroux’s La Javanaise.

2009...
In all my attempts to venture into the year, careless, daring and carefree, I’ve come to surprise myself with the dramas and the turns of events that had taught me many life’s lessons; and of course, of those crazy things I have done, be it sober, tipsy or drunk;
In all my attempts to reflect upon my downfall and reassess my directions and pushing myself beyond my boundaries to be a much better person’
And then in all my attempts to seek a balance and to come to the centre of the spectrum, now with much more insight, clarity and wisdom;
It’s been one heck of a year.

It’s through the detachment and pain that I’ve learnt and discovered facets of myself I never knew were there, parts of me that lay dormant were awakened by transitions and the rude shock of a world turned upside down, and I’ve learnt what it means to feel and to see the world with a different set of eyes. Without a high there cannot be a low, without a peak there cannot be a trough, without knowing pain we wouldn’t recognise happiness.

That being said, I look back on every lonely tearful nights, every seeming tragedy I’ve endured without regret. Like a refining of silver through the fire, like a freshman going through an initiation rite, it was all necessary. It was necessary for us to have tried and failed, even if it means countless of times. It was necessary for the apron strings to have been cut, for me to become a self-grounded, independent individual; to be thrown into the unknown and figure my way out into letting things fall into place; to finally feel that the person who was looking at me is seeing me — the person beyond that superficial facade, the person who is much more than the naked eye could see, because I am not just another number in a sea of nameless faces.

Pain was conveyed in stories, told over cups of coffee, typed up in conversation boxes oin cyber space and in pockets of silence. Even more powerfully, they were expressed without words in an outpour of tears, the posture of hunching and the choking lumps of emotion in the throat. But through the year, I learnt to dust myself up and build my own mantra of life – standards I’d like to achieve, standards I’d like to maintain and goals I’ll like to keep chasing up to. Despite my low self-esteem, I feel more secure in myself now, of who I am and who I want to be and what I’m about. The transitions throughout the year had painfully taught me the importance of self-identity and loving yourself more, and everything else will fall in line. The most important of all, learn to forgive yourself and to let go because not everything is within your control.

For too long, I was preoccupied with a fruitless search of things that are out of my control or things that are not what I truly desire from the bottom of my heart. It had me distracted and disorientated. But when I had lost some of that, discerning where best to invest myself into, and knowing both when and how to bow out gracefully, I was rewarded with God’s grace.

At the end, there were budding signs of young beginnings. As much as I had been through this year, gritting my teeth through the pain, humble myself when I had seemed to lose it all and learnt so much more from nothing, this special someone and I had found our way to each other. Preoccupied, I had failed to see the other side of the world, a different way of living and how it feels to feel much more secure ¬— in yourself and everything else in life. I was realigned, tied down to a specific point on the map as we embark on a different, more promising journey hand-in-hand. He is more than the cherry on top of the icing of the cake. He is someone who guides me by letting me know that perhaps I already have all the necessary ingredients, and it’s time to work my way down the recipe to produce the most uniquely delicious delicacy in the whole wide world, and he’s always there to guide me as to how to whisk, stir, whip at the right pressure and bake at the right temperature. Once a while, throw in a little something that I was lacking. He’s always giving in his nature. And best of all, he makes me feel as though I am the luckiest girl in the entire universe to have find him and have him journeying with me ♥ ♥ ♥

It’s the last day of the year and I am feeling slightly melancholy because I feel as though I am not quite done with 2009. I have a lot more flaws to be perfected, there’s a lot more work to be done, a lot more to think about and perhaps a lot more pain to endure. I feel I am not quite done here – there are loose ends to tie up. 2009 has not been great and had left me battled and scared. Yes, I am stronger, but I am so much less carefree, so much less daring and I am perhaps leaving this year with a lot more fearful of what lays ahead.

But a new year endows upon the idea of renewal and I have always found the notions of wiping the slate clean and starting over again refreshing, exciting, motivating and attractive. After all, there are already budding signs of new beginnings. A new chapter of my life is awaiting and dawning upon me and I am venturing forth much wiser than ever before. As fearful and insecure that I am, I just have to affirm how much I’m going to be staging a rebellion against stagnancy. It is mandatory that every year brings something new, something better, something challenging, and much more. If there is anything, I have but only one worry – that 2010 doesn’t live up to the excitement and richness of 2009. In spite it all, I’d rather life be a landscape of rolling hills, of soaring mountains dipping into the shadows of cool valleys; than barren land — plain, flat and dry. It encourages me that if so much can happen in just one year, if the unexpected awaits behind every corner, if my world can be turned around and reduced into nothingness in a blink of an eye – what more can next year bring? How much promise can 2010 hold?

And so I will approach 2010 much more prepared this time with resolutions and ground rules, and I guess I’ll list them in a different post before I bore you more with words.

So, here’s to the coming year of 2010! I’m dearly hoping that the New Year is going to love me and envelope me with more affinity and plenty of affection. There will be dreams, self-sustenance, confidence, growth, discoveries and leaps of faith.

Happy New Year Everyone! A toast to a more fulfilling and prosperous New Year!



P/s: 3363 words!