Insecurities
Why is at that point of your life,
You need me no more,
Appear so cold,
And say I want you gone;
And now,
At this point of your life,
You 'need' me so much?



Is it that you realised,
Apart from your career,
You only have got me and your family,
And that is why you are clinging,
Clinging on to the only things that you ‘possess’?



Is it the sudden realisation,
Of the scarcity of your ‘possessions’,
Or rather,
The preciousness of your ‘possessions’?



Is it because,
You have learnt that material things,
Are not always in your control,
And you could lose them in a blink of an eye?



And if so,
Are you struggling to hold on to them tightly,
And make sure you will never lose them,
And make sure they will never
Slip out of your hands?



Do you realise,
That the more you struggle,
Struggle to hold on,
The more you are suffocating me?



And do you want to know why?



Because...
You are challenging me to find out your position in my life,
You are challenging my understanding of you,
You are trying to know how much I need you,
You are trying to own me and make sure you’ll never lose me.
All in all, you are testing me because of your very own insecurities.
It is exhausting. It is really tiring.



And all I can say is,
Step back,
Take a deep breath,
And relax.



You do not need to try so hard,
Because I am now yours
And we are to treasure every single moment of our life
When you remain mine
And I remain yours
And the last thing I want
Is your insecurities to drive me off.



P/s: I guess in The Book, it says no one can own another person.

Note: Please understand that over the years, I had learnt to live and enjoy life with you spiritually here but not physically here with me, and this was something we agreed on learning when we decided to do LDR 2 years ago, so please, don't put any pressure on me and please don't thrust your insecurities on me, because they are burdening and all these challenges are unnecessary.



Again, I'm sorry, because I know this will offend you, but I just want you to know.

I recalled one of my conversations with my boy the last few days before I leave for Melbourne. I told him that I was scared and that I had this confused feeling which is difficult to put into words. It was a feeling in which I tried to define and tried to put into words, but when I try to talk to my darling about it, I stammered.

I think that feeling is about the evil cycle and I had like to call it the evil-long-distance-relationship-cycle. It’s the cycle in which we separate, we miss each other a lot, we drift apart a little, and then we meet and fall in love again. The cycle continues. It seems never ending. I just can’t wait till my babe graduates, so there is a halt to this tiring cycle.

It’s hard. As much as you try not to drift apart, and as much as you try to stay very much in love with your boy like when he is physically there for you, you just can’t help it. I guess the reasons are obvious:

Sometimes you need to put your boy at the back of your mind for a while to focus on your studies, to enjoy fellowships with your friends and to enjoy the separate life you are leading without him being physically there.

Once in a while, there are long pauses on the phone, because there is practically nothing to talk about.

Once in a while, you get into ugly arguments with your boy for some very dumb reasons.

Once in a while, you feel you do not understand your other half anymore.

It seems I, myself, am leading two separate lives: life with-my-boy-by-my-side and life without-my-boy-by-my-side.

I was scared during the last few days before leaving Sydney because I was going to plunge into ‘without-my-boy-by-my-side’ life all by myself. I was also scared of the prospect of drifting apart, because after some time, the very much in love feeling seems to sub-consciously fade away little by little - like sand, slowly but steadily flows down through small opening of an hour-glass.

To C: I don’t know whether you feel the same way as I do, but I certainly do hope you won’t be upset when you read this. I am very scared of the prospect of separation, because I usually do not know when I will see you again and because I cannot predict what will happen during the period of time when we do not see each other. I guess the traumas had made me feel this way. I am sorry if this post offends or disturbs you in anyway, but I am still very much in love you deep down my heart and I can’t wait to see you in two weeks time. Love heaps, shin

On a Lighter Note

I guess I should be giving you guys an update on my uni life since this is my second week back. Coming back to Melbourne, I guess things weren’t as scary as it seems. There have been a few hiccups, but I guess things are generally okay. Uni kicks off with tonnes of readings, both with Law and English.

Contracts A is a bit daunting with hundreds of cases listed in my reading guide, in which I need to read both facts and judgments over the semester.

Torts A seem interesting and all I need to do is to keep up with all the readings.

Introduction to Fiction Writing is going to be tough this semester, but it is a really good course and secretly, I am hoping I have got more time to study this subject, because I want to be a brilliant writer in the future.

Fairy Tales Traditions is interesting too, but assignments are going to be tough as usual.

I have joined a few clubs this year: Law Student Society, International Law Association, Monash Association of Debaters and Monash University Malaysian Students' Union. I want to be involved in Oaktree Projects too. =P

My timetable is perfect this semester. I have got Thursday and Friday free. However, I do need to go to uni on Fridays too, because I have got dance lessons on Friday mornings.

This week, I joined Karen for swimming training. Waking up at 4.45am on Monday and Wednesday, having Karen to fetch me to uni at about 5am, we start swimming at 6am until 7.30am. It’s pretty intense, but it’s true with the saying ‘no pain no gain’. I need to build up my stamina and become fitter; lose all the flab and become skinny.

I have met up with many of my friends over these two weeks too: uni mates, high school friends, church friends and long lost friends. I love having meals with them and catching up with each other after such a long break. :)

The Atlas and My Dream

I have an atlas, stuck on the wall of my living room. It was freshly put up this morning to hide a hideous sunken hole. And this afternoon, I decided to stand on my red velvety couch to take a closer look at the world map: millions of alphabets and thousands of words filled the beautifully coloured countries; thread-liked lines streak over the continents to represent borders. Out of the blue, I have this sudden eagerness to go travelling around the world, circling names off that atlas. It was like a reflex. It just pops up in my mind out of no where.

My boy had given me that atlas so I could study all the countries in the world - their location, their capitals and the continents they are in, but looking at the world map, standing out against my ivory coloured wall, I reckon I would be able to learn the location of these countries better by visiting each and every one of them. =P

My Docklands Encounter

It was an unusually hot evening. The past week had been terribly cold, but on the second day of autumn, Melbourne’s weather decides to give us a hot summer’s day.

It was a perfect day for swimming and sun tanning at the beach.

It was a perfect day for lazing around in the gardens: picnic rugs spread on the grass with crackers and dips on trays; summer fruits, sandwiches and foccaccia in baskets. Great company was of importance: girls in their colourful summer dresses, boys in their T-shirts and shorts, all lying down on their backs, putting on their different shades of sunnies, enjoying the warm sunshine and the beauty of the earth.

But I had spent the day quite differently from described: my Sunday was the usual attending service in the morning and then joining my church friends for lunch at Footscray. At 6.15pm, I was walking towards Docklands to meet my friends for dinner. Even at such an hour, the setting sun was still heating the earth.

Walking in my pair of high-heel shoes and carrying my white chunky bag, I was desperate to find some shade. I was casually dressed that very day: a mini skirt and a pretty V-neck top from Forever 21. I had my big sunnies sitting on the bridge of my nose and my long necklace dangling, adorning the laces of my V-neck top.

An orange glow was visible from the borders of my top’s white fabric, and as I walked along the streets of the dock, my butterfly sleeves flapped, creating a luminescence glow around my shoulders and my arms.

Finally, I found some shade several metres away from the tram-stop. I looked around to find my fashionably late friends and as expected, they weren’t in sight. Inwardly, I was hoping they would come earlier, so I could be home before 8.30pm to watch Grey’s Anatomy Season 4.

While I was standing there, waiting, I saw an Asian man - probably in his late twenties from the corner of my eyes. He was wearing a white T-shirt and a pair of shorts, and on his nose, sits a pair of thick-plastic-rimmed spectacles, like a typical nerd. He ambled towards me and smiled at me. I returned a forced smile and looked away. We were meters away, so he called out, asking me whether I was Jin. “No.” I replied. From his accent, he is perhaps Japanese or Korean. His English wasn’t too bad but the accent bothers me.

Man: “Oh okay. It’s just you look like someone I know.”

Me: *Chuckled* “No, I am not who you think I am.” *What the heck*

Man: “Are you waiting for someone?”

Me: “Yes” *Forced smile, looked away*

Jingling the bunch of keys in his hands for a better grip, he asked, “Do you want to come over to my apartment?” Shocked and offended, I rolled my eyes at him and said, “NO!” Then I turned around and walk away, and under my breath, I whispered “What the f**k?! Eww!” I walked away as fast as my feet could carry me and a few minutes later, I turned around to check whether that disgusting man was still following me. Fortunately, he was already crossing the road and was walking towards the apartments opposite the dock. With a sigh of relief, I quickly call Chris to inform him my scary encounter.