MEREDITH: "Okay, here it is, your choice... it's simple, her or me, and I'm sure she is really great. But Derek, I love you, in a really, really big pretend to like your taste in music, let you eat the last piece of cheesecake, hold a radio over my head outside your window, unfortunate way that makes me hate you, love you. So pick me, choose me, love me."

- Meredith Grey from Grey's Anatomy



Love relationships are often messy and complicated.
And with the muddle, often it comes with the hurt.

It's funny that when you know you hate that certain someone for hurting you so much, you strangely push that past, and beg to be picked, chose and loved.
And is that because you really do love that certain someone?
Or it is merely because you need some self-confirmations of your beauty, your charm and your existence?

It's strange that one could go down to the extent of begging when they have been treated so badly:
Being compared to,
Being suddenly abandoned because of the presence of another perhaps more 'superior' being;

And all I can say is that, the thoughts of all those happy memories shattered into pieces & the great promises and great hopes one holds for the future of the relationship, all broken in just a blink of an eye, were the reasons.

And at that very moment, we were so blinded by all these thoughts.
We were so much tortured by the hurt and the pain.
And we didn't stop on our tracks and think.

Until we are picked and chose, will everything be still the same?
Are we going to doubt the love in the future, and will our trust still stand on firm grounds?
And will you then wander; was all the begging worth it all?
And why didn't I just move along back then?
Why? Why to the extent of begging?

MEREDITH: "Hey."
DEREK: "Hey. You almost died today."

MEREDITH: "Yeah, I almost died today."
[Pause]
MEREDITH: "I can't, I can't remember our last kiss. All I could think about was 'I'm going to die today and I can't remember our last kiss. Which is pathetic but the last time we were together and happy... I want to be able remember that. And I can't, Derek. I can't remember."

DEREK: "I'm glad you didn't die today." 
[pause]
DEREK: "It was a Thursday morning, you were wearing that ratty little Dartmouth t-shirt you look so good in. The one with the hole at the back of the neck. You'd just washed you hair and smelled like some kind of... flower. I was running late for surgery, you said you were going to see me later, and you lean to me, put your hand on my chest and you kissed me. Soft. It was quick. Kind of like a habit. You know, like we'd do it everyday for the rest of our lives. Then you went back reading the newspaper and I went to work. That was the last time we kissed."

- Meredith Grey & Derek Shepherd from Grey's Anatomy

I guess it's because we didn't see it coming.
I guess it's because the hurt was unbearable.
And, I guess it's because we just weren't ready to stand on our very own two feet again.

MIRANDA: [steps in front of Derek] "No. Turn around and walk away."
DEREK: "From what?"

MIRANDA: "From my intern!"
DEREK: "No, I wasn't going-"

MIRANDA: "Yes you were. Come on. You can't do this. You don't have the right. Not anymore."
DEREK: "I just want to find out if she's okay."

MIRANDA: "She's not. She's a human traffic accident, and everybody's slowing down to look at the wreckage. She's doing the best she can with what she has left, and I know you can't see this, 'cause you're in it, but you can't help her now! You'll only make it worse. So walk away. Go!"

- Miranda Bailey & Derek Shepherd from Grey's Anatomy

In the past few weeks, I have been spending my many late nights, sitting alone in front of the computer, in our tiny study room, reading blogs after blogs, listening to the same old songs over and over again, while my family are sound asleep in the comforts of their bed.

Because...during late nights like this, I find peace and calmness. And, I could temporarily escape all the complications and dramas in my life. Once in a while, alone-time like this makes me breathe better, it's refreshes my mind as I pen down my thoughts in black and white.

Reading blogs after blogs, transformations after transformations, it just makes me realise that my blog should be an outlet where I express my thoughts, feelings, experiences and creativity. It should be a space where I pen down the ups and downs of my life, because writing makes me happy and because my once in the blue moon personal creativity amuses me. And when the day comes when I feel like reminiscing my journey, I shall be amazed by my own personal transformation, and I shall be amused by the interesting daily encounters, conversations or daily happenings in my life. =)

All these thinking are draining energy out of my fragile soul.

Sudden thoughts make me choke:-

choke on guilt, on disappointments, on regrets and on lumps of emotions on my throat.

And I feel like throwing up with all these choking.

Please...Can you just go away?

But who is to be blamed, really, apart from myself?

When are all these thoughts going to go away?

When are the skies going to be blue again?

I guess I can only just wait, and wait and wait...

Personal Thoughts
At some point of each and every relationship, couples do meet a breaking point.
I guess this is another breaking point of my relationship with C before the three-year mark.

It gives me the creeps thinking about us at this point of time:
When we are miles apart;
When we have not seen each other for about 2 months;

When there is a serious lack of communication;

When both of us have each changed heaps over time;
When we have argued so much;
When we have hurt each other so much;
When things did not end on good terms before he leaves for his current placement
Things are just too unpredictable.
I just don't know what to expect.

Thinking about us gives me an incredible amount of stress to the extent that I feel like throwing up.

I don't know what more to do.
I don't know what I can say.
I don't know what I am not supposed to say.
I don't know what I am not supposed to ask.
I don't know what statements I am not supposed to make.
I don't know when he will throw his temper on me.
I don't know how to patch things up when things have gone so bad.

I don't know how to mend the many damages we have done to our relationship over the months.

To C,

I guess I can just say that I am very sorry and I sincerely hope my apologies do make you feel better.

Till we meet, I hope things will reside as it is.

Furniture Shopping
I have been furniture shopping with my mum pretty frequently recently, and last Friday, my mother and I went to Mega Mall for a 'home & living' exhibition. Due to the approaching festival of the Chinese New Year, there were plenty of bright red decorations around the mall, and there was a greater sense of festivity when there were many well-decorated temporary booths selling Chinese goodies. Anyway, one of the temporary booths which sell items for better 'feng shui' offers fortune-telling service. Amused, my mother and I approached the booth, squeezed through the crowd, only to find an elderly Chinese man talking to a middle-aged Chinese woman. By merely looking at her writing of her full Chinese name, the man could tell that she is a good mother and a good wife; could inform her when would be a good time in the year to invest and when not to; and could inform her when her health will be at risk et cetera. Well, one would think that it is amazing if his predictions were right. However, no matter how close to reality his predictions are, I would think it is just too scary to be sitting in the midst of many passerby, in front of the fortune teller (who might know all your hidden secrets), and for him to announce your 'fortune' to the crowd. I must confess that for a 19 year old girl like myself, I have many skeletons in my closet, and for this elderly man to ruin my reputation and embarrass me in front of a big crowd is definitely a big no-no. It is just a little too scary. While ignorance is not always bliss, in this sense, I would think it is. I would rather not know when I will die for instance. =P

I have been reading a few blogs lately and these are a few reasons that I am blogging again.

#1
I realised I am an extremely lazy blogger and I really should keep my wonderful readers updated more often. =)

#2
I love their writing styles and am hoping my writing could get better as I blog.

And yes, I know practice makes perfect, so who knows, I might earn a few wonderful friends who would religiously read my blog in the future! =P

#3
I am jealous of my wonderful friends' vibrant lives.

They are...
Always asked out for breakfast, brunch, lunch, tea, dinner or supper;

Always hanging out with a whole bunch of fun-loving friends;

Always out drinking at nice bars with a bunch of hot friends;

Allowed to stay out late and go clubbing;

Able to visit wonderful places and go on a few luxurious vacations;

Allowed to shop till they drop;

Super hot and sexy! Especially in their bare back dresses. *Oh god, I am so very jealous* =(

They seem to have something going on every single day.
And hence, could take beautiful pictures on each and every outing;

And appear to be incredibly gorgeous in all of the photos because they are just oh-so-beautiful.

* * * * *
Looking back at my blog, it does really pale in comparison. =(

Seriously
Just read the amusing conversations in which they blogged about.

Even a short and simple conversation on a daily basis seems more interesting than my long posts! *gasp*

* * * * *
On another note, having tight and conservative parents really do suck BIG time. I really mean BIG time.
They are so not helping me out with my blog getting duller and duller as the days go by. =(

I really do hope my parents miraculously let me hang out with my friends without...
Having them to scream at me for hours before & after I go out; or
Call me a few times on my mobile when I'm out; or
Ask me to go home immediately when it's only 10pm; or
Ask me to go home before 6pm -_-



And I certainly hope my parents would miraculously allow me to go out at night and come home late.
Seriously, being a KL resident, I seem to be so ulu (outdated) when I say I have not been to Sky Bar or Luna Bar or Bamboo or Bar Savanh or Mardigras *Please, don't laugh at me, ok? I know it's embarrassing.*



* * * * *
Warning: The following is going to reveal how shallow I am.

I swear I am going to be a big time shopaholic if I am rich.
Super duper huge and nice shopping malls like Pavilion and the Gardens makes me desire to be a rich tai tai (rich husband's wife). How I wish I could shop like a rich woman! =P

I know. It's bad that I am so materialistic, so don't pass me that judgemental look please?

I mean, just imagine, strutting along those corridors and looking at these items from the glass windows...

Sexy looking, body hugging, elegant dresses, which are brilliant for clubbing, night outs & formal dinners

Beautiful cotton summer dresses which are perfect for my coming gold coast trip & hot Malaysia weather

Super duper sexy lingerie: I love dark purple & black lingerie. They are so sexy and I love being in them =)
Chunky bags and accessories: long necklaces, aviator glasses, chunky bangles, huge handbags

Wonderful creation: cosmetics to hide flaws

And shoes! High heels, pumps and boots to make me look glamorous or elegant; & ballerina flats which are perfect for a casual day out

They make me drool. Not literally, but you know. =P
P/s: Really sorry for being so materialistic. I just can't help it!

* * * * *
On another sadder note, I can't seem to lose weight!

I have been indulging like a pig but have not been exercising! =(

Well, I can't swim for a month because I did Lasik a while ago.
And yes, you heard me, I laser my eye and I no longer need my ugly specs to help me see clearly. Wohoo! Don't you just love the wonderful technology? *winks* =P

And, I do not have a gym. How sad! =(
But not to worry, I might be able to use the facilities at my soon-to-be home. =)

* * * * *
I am desperate for some happy snaps too.

While I will try my hardest to lose weight and take gorgeous pictures, people, ask me out! =P

And, I seriously can't wait for my next vacation because I am guaranteeing you guys wonderful pictures of beautiful places, delicious food and beautiful people. =P

But, there are very rare good pictures of me because I am so chubby, especially my face! =(

* * * * *
So, it is pretty obvious that on the very top of my wish list is to have a frigging hot, tone and slim body like Jessica Alba's or Eva Longoria's or any other hot chics alive.

Hot aren't they? I bet you guys are drooling.

I know all this could only be achieved with sufficient exercise and a well-balanced diet.
So, I am wishing for a yearly Fitness First membership and I am choosing Fitness First because...

There is a Fitness First in Melbourne Central, which is about 5 minutes walk away from my place.
My lousy apartment in Melbourne requires me to pay about $40AUD a month if I were to use their lousy gym: that is so unfair! I'm paying maintenance fee! =(
Fitness First has wonderful classes such as Yoga, Pilates, Body Jam and Body Balance. They are really motivating and fun!

So, mummy, please, I want. *pouts*

* * * * *
I know having a personal assistant who looks after me and take care of my diet seems so impossible because I am not a filthy rich celebrity! But who cares, I can dream however I like right? =P

I guess the more practical alternatives would be Lite'N Easy because I am so lazy to cook and wash the dishes. =P

* * * * *
Mmm, good drama series makes me feel good.
I love Grey's Anatomy and I can't wait to watch Heroes.

I know I am so outdated that I have not even watched Heroes Season 1!
But what to do, watching it on tv is just so frustrating! I tend to miss out episodes, so I give up.
Big thanks to LC who borrowed me his hard drive.
Will get it fixed as soon as possible so I can indulge in my much loved drama series. =D

Currently, I can't wait to watch Season 3 & 4 of Grey's Anatomy.

Big thanks to my baby too who borrowed me Season 1 and 2 of Grey's.

Seriously, it is so good that I look up quotes from the series.
I absolutely love the sarcasm between the interns. It's just so intellectually hilarious!
I am probably going to share some of my favourite quotes on my blog.
But but but...there are so many of them! I think I love them all! =P

And oh yeah! Sex and the City! It is seriously good.
Big thanks to Lynn who borrowed me Sex and the City Season 4, 5 & 6, but that leaves me craving for season 1, 2 & 3. Haha

In my opinion, One Tree Hill seems a little childish.

America' Next Top Model: two thumbs up!

Prison Break: It's good!

House: Not too bad.

Haha, I know. I am a drama series freak.
I want to watch Boston Legal too. =P

* * * * *
Wow, this is a long post of my mindless babbling. Sorry guys. =P

P/s: I seriously want an ipod classic. =P

I am not ready to turn 20
In exactly two months time, I will hit the big two-O.

There are so many things that need to be done before I am no longer a teenager.
I am not prepared to step into adulthood: to bear the consequences of all my actions and to take up responsibilities.

I am not prepared to be fully independent: to strive for my own survival.

On why I am not ready to hit the big two-O: random thoughts from conversations and general observations

The question that pops into my mind often recently: "who am I trying to kid?" It is funny I am even trying to kid myself.

Does growing up miraculously make you truthful to your own selves?

Does maturity force you out of the muddy waters?

. . . .

Relationships are complicated - not easy, no formulas, extremely abstract, not for the faint-hearted or fragile porcelain dolls.

Am I still strong enough to carry on with this long distance relationship?

Am I prepared to face future challenges in this relationship?

What does it really mean to be in a relationship?

What does it really mean to be in a long distance relationship?

. . . .

I muddle things up like a mindless teenager. Things get extremely messy with me.

Does growing up miraculously stop me from seeking excitement in messing things up?

Does maturity force me to make things crystal clear?

. . . .

On recent happenings...
Ridiculous isn't it?
Seriously, what was I thinking?

I know I wasn't thinking. *Violent head shakes*
Dumb, aren't I?
I guess we just weren't thinking.
Ignorance is not always bliss.

. . . .

Where should rationality stand in love relationships?

Should there even be rationality in love relationships?

Rationality: that is why there is no 'happily ever after' ending in the real world?

. . . .

I do dumb stuff to get self-confirmations.

Am I ready to stop self-destructions?

When am I mature enough to seek true self-confirmations from deep down my heart?

When am I mature enough to know that I am beautiful just the way I am?

. . . .

Distance makes hearts fonder. Silence. Really?

Despite the touching speech from my darling this morning, which makes me believe that distance do make hearts fonder, why do I witness so many failed long distance relationships?

What does it really mean to be in a long distance relationship?

How can we constantly be emotionally committed when we are so distracted by our own separate lives in two different cities, two different states and sometimes two different countries?

. . . .

Ever wish life as a dream? I certainly do when I make mistakes and when things get tough.

When am I ready to stop running away from problems, challenges and fears?

And does growing up and maturity force us to be down to earth?

Does maturity stops us from dreaming?

. . . .

Angel face? Be careful, looks can be very deceptive.
Do not judge a book by its cover.

. . . .

Being young is dangerous.

Getting more mature should be something one looks forward to as we get older.

One day, we will brush off our past childish acts with a good laugh.

. . . .

Warning: I can be extremely selfish and lazy.
Do not have high hopes on me.

. . . .

"Do not regret your decisions. Walk on the path you decide to take and let go of the things you sacrifice."

Theoretically: easy to understand.
Practically: difficult to exercise.
Result: Dilemmas.

. . . .

I am not ready to turn 20

I am still a very much dependent person.
I am still easily amused by the glamorous and the luxurious.

I am still curious about the dangerous big wide world ahead of me.

I am still a narrow-minded teen who is not ready for adulthood.

And of course, of all my teen years, I had wished to be in my ideal weight and so, before I turn 20, I wish to have a body like Jessica Alba's. *Fingers crossed*

Last but not least, I hope I will still have the rights to be rebellious after I turn 20.

P/S: Am frustrated with my limited amount of creative juices. When can I write like C or S? =(

P/S: Am glad things came to an end. =)

New Year Eve celebration was a blast despite the fact that there were several personal unhappy things that happened on that night itself. Anyway, the celebration was at The Curve with my secondary and primary school mates, and I really should thank Brandon and Keat Boon for organising such an awesome night. =)


That's me cam-whoring when I arrived. =P

Dinner was at The Manhattan Fish Market. Even though I did not really enjoy the food, the company was brilliant! 20 of my ex-school mates, most of them whom I have not met for years were there! It was really fun catching up with them and finding out how they are currently doing.


My beautiful primary school friend, Joanna and I, and that's Zhi Ven's hand I think.


Joanna and I take two without the interrupting hand. haha.


From left: Justin Wan, Heng Li, Wei Lynn, Seu Foong, Cheng Haw


Wei Lynn, Me & Seu Foong


Because that was blur, so here's another one


That's me and Justin, the guy who used to copy my homework


That's me with Cheng Haw & Keat Boon, the HP worker. =P


That's me with Ye Ring - my primary school mate, & Ding Shyong (a.k.a Brandon)


Top left: Brandon & I, Bottom left: Jeng Shuin & Choon Yauw


That's me with Siang Loong and En-Li


Us: take two =)


Owen Soh - my long lost primary school mate, ME & Dian Hoong (a.k.a Joshua)


Natalie, Me, Huey Yuen


Close up! =D


Zhi Ven, Me, Joanna - all of us from the same primary school


Haven't seen this girl for about 7 years! *gasp*


She's still as beautiful and cute as ever. I heart you girl! =D


Me & Heng Li the sailor =P


Me & Wei Lynn the pretty girl


Owen & I, Joshua was trying to avoid the camera. haha.


Owen wasn't happy with the previous pic, so there you go!


And because Owen is vain, here's another one. haha


I think this is a candid all in.


Now, the official all in! =D


Ye Ring & I, haven't seen this smart and beautiful girl for 7 years too! Hope to see you soon darling. =)


Me & Jeng Shuin


Keat Boon & Ye Ring


Me & Cheng Haw


Choon Yauw & I

After dinner pictures.

Zhi Ven, the med student and I


Joshua & I


Ding Shyong & I

I decided to leave my awesome high school mates for a while to meet up with Kai Young and friends before the movie, 'Alvin and the Chipmunks'. On my way, I met See Ki and her boyfriend! Just to capture the moment, I asked SK to take a picture with me. =)


Beautiful See Ki & I

Anyway, after paying for the entrance fee into Sanctuary and got a stamp on my arm, I rushed to Cine Leisure for the movie. I must say that the chipmunks were incredibly cute! hehe.

Countdown was with KY and friends among the extremely crowded crowd which cheer on top of their lungs while spraying party sprays.


Me & Kai Young. Trust me, it was very crowded

These are a few snapshots of the beautiful fireworks.

Happy New Year everyone. Have an awesome year 2008! =)